Instagram Collective #1

Dearest Internet strangers,

It has been rather a while since I stopped rambling on about myself and just let some photographs do the talking. I tend to use a lot of my photographs from Instagram in my monthly updates but as many of them are fairly poor quality once edited from my phone I have been including fewer and swapping them for a more slick photograph from my big-girl camera. However, as they are a fair reflection of my life and as I do tend to keep my Instagram full of London sights and moments that truly are captured on the go in my commute or just as I walk the streets, I thought they were worthy of a little collage.

How do you fill your Instagram? With polished photographs, pictures of friends from events, full of food, or full of sights that you see on your travels? Is Instagram just another way which we airbrush our lives through social media and indulge in vanity (thinking about doing a little post on this soon) - let me know!

-Antonia

Six Month Review // February - March

It has all been a bit mad recently, and in the midst of everything I realised that this life-changing experience of mine is nearly over. With little over four months to go and with so much more of London to explore and so much more of myself to give and a great God to learn from and equip me, it is all been a little overwhelming. Well, that, and realising that my laptop charger has to be laid to rest (hence, the delay of this post). Once again I turn to the questions I set myself in September with a few additions to see what I am making of it all, and to remind myself of all I should be grateful for. This process has really been amazing in helping me to see how I am growing month on month, seeing my struggles and my burdens, what I enjoy and what I dislike.

Hold tight, there are a lot of pictures this month!

View from Tower Bridge

1) Weirdest thing you have seen in London this month?
When we were en route to Greenwich Park we saw a street performer on a ladder with only his leopard print boxers juggling with knives outside the Cutty Sark. I have pictures (but will show you the one where he is fully clothed!)

2) Particular highlights of this month?

I have already written about my main highlights in these blog posts  where I shadowed a few different things to get a broader experience of my work. As this month I hit the 6 month mark and went past the halfway point in my gap year it was great to try new things and get a fresh perspective.

There has been a vast array of things that I have been enjoying in my spare time this month:

·         Walking in parks. I finally went down the road to Southwark Park and within the last two weekends have seen Greenwich Park at sunset and picnicked in Victoria Park. Walking around in the sun on my own or with others has been such a blessing and has really made me have those moments of stillness which seem to be rare in a busy, chaotic, messy London.  I have been so blessed by my church, going to people’s houses for lunch, taking a walk along Regent’s Canal, meeting for dinner have been amazing chances to have a community of supportive and interested people who are really looking out for me. This year has really made me appreciate the gift of community and friendship and finding that in such a densely populated city where everyone is a stranger has been such a comfort.
·         Actually, on reflection, I’ve had so much time to dedicate to friendship this month and I met up with two friends from school one evening and we walked around for a long, long time catching up and seeing sights. Another evening I went to see The Duck House and had dinner at Nando’s with one of my best buds who kindly visited me when she was on reading week. More of this, please!
·         Going into Shoreditch for a couple of hours and seeing Phlegm’s exhibition ‘The Bestiary’ at the Howard Griffin Gallery. It was pretty mesmerising and I just love the fact that it felt so childlike, yet so grotesque, disturbing and horrific at the same time. It was Street art in a hugely three-dimensional and engaging form and though it was small, it was well worth seeing.
·         Getting lost in Canary Wharf shopping centre with my sister before heading out into Zone 4 to see our cousins and eat pizza.

3) Favourite part of your work this month?

I have really enjoyed seeing how thee cafe is continuing to expand as a community - we started a revamped sewing class a few weeks back and it is bringing a diverse group of people who are really starting to connect and make friends. We also had one of our regulars put up an exhibition of his artwork, from which he has even sold eight pieces. He couldn't be more chuffed and I am so pleased that we can support him through this, almost rewarding his longstanding custom!

4) Least favourite part of your work this month?

I have made a fair few clumsy errors. Think tripping up stairs and smashing a plate on the wall, staining it with turmeric type of drama. It is embarrassing and not exactly what our customers expect of the atmosphere! I was going to have to take on a few extra responsibilities but that didn't happen and I have to say I am pretty relieved about that because I was dreading it to no end.

5) Hardest part of your work this month?

This month (especially the last two weeks) has been hard simply because my energy has been low and I’ve been stuck in a rut of negative thoughts: thinking I have to prove myself, do better, work harder, all so that others can look at me and be impressed. I have always struggled with wanting others to view me and see value and I suppose this is one way that it is expressed. It isn’t intentional but when I sit down and think about why I am disappointed with the day that I’ve had, it’s because I don’t feel like I’ve done enough to be worthy of my place there. It is self-criticism which drives me to despair and is not what my faith teaches me to see about myself. I am to see someone who is useful even when broken and weak, who is valued in the eyes of her Creator in spite of if she works hard, does better, is impressive or valued or loved.


6) Would you kindly sum up your working month in three alliterative words/phrases?

Parks, peanut butter, pals [I was clearly very desperate for a synonym for friends there!]       

Sunset at Greenwich park

Took a spontaneous trip after an afternoon of seminars to walk down the mall and luckily caught the palace just during sunset!

7) Weird habits developed this month?
Before I was going to sleep I kept getting hunger pangs which could not be ignored (to the extent where I would wake up at 5am with my stomach grumbling) so I have been regularly foraging into the kitchen in the small hours to eat peanut butter on top of caramel snack a jacs or crumpets. Actually, eating peanut butter twice a day was a habit I definitely didn’t expect to become a habit at any point in my life once I left childhood. Alas.

8) What are you missing the most about home this month?
I suppose I miss that community which was built for years and the security that it brought. I always knew who to turn to and it feels odd catching up with people through texting or messaging rather than just letting a conversation flow. Luckily, I have made it my ambition to get into more regular contact with my friends this month, AND most are returning from Uni within weeks, or have in the past few days. I also miss simple things, like my mum doing the laundry and making me hot chocolate when I was ill.

9) Best housemate moment?
Spending weekends together having lunch, walking down the Mall, going to the Tower Bridge exhibition, to the cinema, and even to Tesco (a huge supermarket feels like a very exciting quest to me and it is nice just to sit and chat to one person on the bus ride!) I have simply enjoyed sitting around the table having deep discussions and laughing together. Of course, dancing and ‘rapping, in the kitchen features heavily once again.

View from the Tower Bridge exhibition (this is me trying to pick out the more 'arty' photographs than the standard view of the Thames..)

10) Discoveries this month?
Parks (!!! – although hardly a discovery, more a rekindling of my love), crunchy peanut  butter, Genesis Cinema, frozen mango chunks, the beauty of simply making that phone call to one you miss.

Hope you have all had some good moments in your month!

-Antonia

Experiencing Other Worlds // Part Two

I always thought that I was a pretty clued up person. I had a good education and worked hard, I try and keep up with what is going on in the world and enjoy watching debate shows (yep, this 19 year-old really has been living the high life, ahem). Not only has this year challenged me and shaped me and forced me into maturity, but it has shocked me, awakened me and stirred me to do more in my community, in London, and in the world. Being a Webber Street for three days at the end of February was a defining moment for me and a real highlight of my first six months of my gap year simply because it threw me into a world I thought I knew enough about and I came out wondering how on earth I had been so ignorant.

Webber Street (http://webberstreet.org/) is London City Mission's homeless day centre based in Waterloo. Every morning at 9am, around 75-80 homeless men and women (who they lovingly call 'guests') walk through their doors and receive free breakfast and the opportunity to sign up for a shower. The staff are seen busying around until the doors shut at 12pm getting the guests appointments at jobcentres around London, helping sort out travel loans or accommodation and feeding the extra hungry with Pret-A-Manger sandwiches (which are donated every day). Not only that, Webber Street offers genuine care and friendship for those who need it most, and of course, they offer up the opportunity for them to hear the gospel before they tuck into breakfast. Webber Street also has an attached work called Hope Community Homes which can house up to six former rough sleepers, where the staff will support them through getting benefits, jobs, and even helping them on the road to recovery from addiction until they are ready to live life independently. This is a brief overview of all the amazing work it does, but even that is enough to inspire me.

Working there was an absolute pleasure (besides the pungent smell) because the staff so obviously cared about the needs of even the most tricky guest. Many of the guests speak broken English yet there were great attempts to have understanding. Some guests were demanding and forgetful, with staff members making appointments for them which they never turned up to, or complained about the location of, yet my observation was that the staff were forgiving and accommodating and well as being disciplined and firm. On my first day I was shadowing someone, which involved helping to serve breakfast and going through an incredibly long-winded and complicated process to get them an appointment with the exact jobcentre of their choice which was demanded through someone else due to their lack of English. It was a Tuesday, where in the afternoon they show a film for as many guests as want a ticket, which also guarantees them a Pret provided lunch. It was amazing to see the simple power of entertainment and film to brighten so many days. After the day is done, the staff get to work cleaning the centre and kitchen before heading upstairs to the staff room to do admin work, eat lunch and any other jobs such as washing up. I decided to use this time to investigate the clothing store and help sort out bags of new clothes.

Walking into the room I thought I had entered some kind of trendy thrift store - I saw Nike Sweaters ("they'll fight wars for that sweater"), Ted Baker jumpers, Barbour jackets, and more. I also saw some less-than-pleasant sweaty shorts that someone had donated and it was quite literally the worst smell that I have encountered in my entire life and I couldn't stop smelling it all day, even when I went to sleep! Quite amazingly, the place was full to the brim and had a whole section full of bags of donations. I was told that this time last year, they were struggling to get donations. Just a few Saturdays ago, someone felt so moved by the work that Webber Street were doing that they drove to London from Wales to give clothes that their church wanted to donate. Incredible.

On my third day I spent the morning among the clothes as I and another staff member were put in charge of showers. Guests can shower once a week and Webber Street provide 15 showers for men and 5 showers for women per day and when they come for a shower, they can get new clothes to wear as needed. Many just take socks and boxers but others who are in dire need will pretty much get a whole new outfit. Old clothes that are worn or that have been in constant wear and smell bad as a result are put in a rubbish bag and thrown away. It was harder to get to know guests this way as you only see them through a little hatch and spend a lot of time running around trying to find the correct sizes of clothes in the right thickness, colour or style for them (some are surprisingly picky!), but it is rewarding when so many shout a "thank you" through the door as they leave to rejoin the rest of the guests and you know that you are doing them a practical service. My third day also involved a walkabout the area in a very fashionable high-vis jacket (which did make me feel extremely official) just to make sure that the neighbours in the area felt safe and none of our guests were in the kids park.

Obviously, I'm not going to put any pictures up of the main room as I feel like it would breach quite a few privacy laws of the guests and spoil their sense of safety within that place, but it is the place where I spent most of the time. On my second day I was overseeing tea and coffee, making sure it was always full and that guests didn't spill tea and coffee everywhere. It also meant that I could chat to guests as they came up for tea and some are surprisingly open about their past (one told me about their spell in prison with me barely saying a word to them first). But what amazes me is that although you are standing in a room full of people that perhaps have addiction problems, a history of crime or mental health issues, there is no judgement. The fact that guests feel like they can speak of their past doesn't mean that they are proud of it or boasting about it, but they are recognising their need to face up to it. When I watch the staff deal with a guest, they deal with them as every other human, as a friend. Sometimes the homeless are just lumped together in a ball of stereotypes, pre-judged as people walk by, marginalised and made fun of by the middle class comedians. At the heart of things, they are human, with human needs of friendship and love. When one particularly smelly guest sat down, the rest of his table moved away. I continued to watch and it wasn't long before two others came and sat with him, putting up with the smell. Guests sit in tables, mainly according to nationality, but even then you see a human spirit of friendship and care for one another that surpasses labels and past. 

Before breakfast one day, I shared the story of how Jesus freed me from sin, which included a history of anger and violence. I was warned that there would be hecklers, but instead got a few claps and a few guests thanked me for what I said as I served breakfast and tea. The fact that I was perhaps able to give hope of a truly freeing experience through Jesus for one of those 80 people was a thrilling and honouring thing. I was able, later that day, to sit in the afternoon Bible study. It was less popular than the film afternoon by a long shot but there was a great desire within that group and I saw many people enlightened by the story of Jesus casting a legion of demons out of a man. I couldn't help but smile at the thought of all the demons that some of the guests might face being cast out of their lives, transforming their behaviour and leading them to a knowledge of Christ. No guest was a lost cause, and as Christians we should believe that more than anyone because we have a hope in something greater and more powerful than human effort and social action.

Exploring the other worlds or branches of London City Mission was exciting and eye-opening. From theatre stage doors to the hearts of the homeless, from Bible studies with Arabic teachers to a tenancy project with a difference, I saw London in a fuller and brighter way, with a fresh revelation of hope. Yes, my time at Webber Street was eye-opening and I heard facts about homelessness from staff that were shocking, and it has most definitely caused me to do my research, but facts don't ring true until you see the faces and the scars (and smells) of those they speak of. The challenge now is to take a love which sees through the stats and into the hearts of Londoners out with me into my daily work and, in faith, watch it transform that community.

-Antonia

Experiencing Other Worlds // Part One

One of the things that I have always had in my life is constancy. Since the age of five, I have always had school to go back to each term and a house to go back to every day. Since moving to London, completely changing my life and my orientation, I have become more restless. I want to vary my boring routines, do different things in the evenings, work in different places, and meet different people. I have seen other people’s hobbies and thought “I want to do that” countless times; I suddenly have interests in more things than I can count. While school stuck me in a bubble of comfort and security, London and my gap year experience has blown everything apart and forced me to rectify things through experience, learning and a lot of faith. I have chosen things for myself for the first time, learnt brand new skills and discovered skills I was unaware of previously. All this excitement has been contrasted with a job which, although extremely varied, is constant, has a definite routine and once again, I go away to the same home.

Sometimes you just need a change of scene, and during this month I have had the great privilege of stepping out of my usual work in a community cafe and into the other lands that London City Mission, the Christian charity I am working for this year, have expanded their branches to. I have been shadowing church-based placement, a chaplain and been involved for three days in the homeless day centre with my housemate. Since these experiences were such a poignant part of my February, I thought it best to separate them from the usual monthly updates and highlights and chat about each of them individually.

Firstly, I was able to shadow a missionary at the church that I have been attending in East London. There were huge differences to my normal day both in the way the days ran and the people who I encountered. I started later and the day kicked off with us waiting in a cold room in the downstairs of the church for three men from his English class to come for further reading, which involved reading the Bible (Mark) as an aid. Only two turned up, but it was a really interesting experience and we did that for the rest of the morning, correcting their English as they read aloud, answering questions about words they didn’t understand, and most excitingly talking to them about who Jesus was in the small passage we had been reading. What struck me most was how, at the end of the session when we just turned to chit chat, we learned that neither had any English friends. It saddens me that so many people who come into London only stick within their ethnic groups and that other Londoners don’t attempt to cross boundaries other than to order an Indian or Chinese. For all our talk about multiculturalism, it doesn’t actually seem to involve crossing cultural boundaries in a way which leads to understanding and deep friendships with those around us who were not brought up in Britain. The two men seemed surprised when we offered our friendship. I was able to invite them into the cafe for a chat with any of our staff as it is within their area and is accessible to them (and conveniently is where they have their usual English class).

After lunch we walked in the rain to do some door-to-door work, which again was completely different to what I do for the cafe. At the cafe it is about bringing people into the space to engage in the community we offer there, more than it is having spiritual conversations. When you are working for a church and inviting people to church, these conversations happen a lot more frequently and naturally and I relish in such interesting discussion (although at points it was far more intense than I was used to!). We then ran over to a bakery who gives the church their leftover bread to give to the homeless in the evening. After some admin jobs, we started to set up for the GrowTH project which runs in the area of Tower Hamlets where homeless people are referred and they then spend a night in a different church for 28 days. Each week, my church runs one of those nights and there are volunteers who cook dinner/breakfast and chat to the guests. The evening also involves a short Bible talk and an opportunity to discuss faith. While some of the 15-20 guests eat and then run to their beds to read, listen to music, or nap, others are really willing to chat and it was amazing to find out that many of the men had become friends over their time on the scheme and spent their day together, helping and protecting one another. One of the best things about the scheme is that over half of those who come on it between November and February last year were rehoused within the 28 days. It is such a simple idea and seems to be incredibly effective both in terms of social action and in terms of getting people to consider their beliefs. I am sad that the scheme is over as I only got to help on two occasions and enjoyed both very much. To find out more about GrowTH and their vision visit http://www.thisisgrowth.org/

My second day of shadowing was with the arts chaplain, although he dares to call himself that as it is a role that the guy pretty much created himself and is still developing, especially as it involves a lot of travelling about to different theatres and galleries etc and runs off a very flexible schedule compared to other chaplains such as those on the underground, rail, taxi ranks or post office who have solid places to visit each day. The day started off by visiting one of the ‘rival’ cafes within LCM, Cafe Eterno, on Neal Street in Covent Garden. It is a lot smaller and sees a lot of heavy traffic coming through, but still showcases art on the walls from independent artists (the current showing was of a Turkish guy who another missionary had met and put him in touch with the cafe to get his work up – and it was amazing work!) and has a very strong, friendly and lively team running it. The prices are notably higher than ours because of the location, however, and there is far less of a community feel to the place as with such a busy area people don’t hang about long, although they still have regular custom from people who work around the area and enjoy engaging in healthy discussion! I was especially please with my hot chocolate with whipped cream and marshmallows – the most you get at my place is some chocolate sprinkles. We then spent the majority of our day visiting the stage door of different theatres including the Cambridge Harold Pinter, Noel Coward and Queens where we spoke to different stage doorman. Most of it was general chitchat but as a bit of a theatre geek and one who formerly wanted to go into theatre, this was most exciting for me, especially as one of the doorman had obsessively obtained the image and signature of every person who had performed at the theatre which included Helena Bonham Carter, David Tennant, Celia Imrie, Simon Callow and Rupert Grint, to name a few. Oh, and he had a picture of Marilyn Monroe with then-husband Arthur Williams signed and dated too, and the image had some amazing nugget of theatre history behind it. How I WISH I had dared to take a quick picture: his walls were completely full and he was now using the ceiling (Rupert Grint, for instance, was on a pipe). It was quite a sight and surely something I will never see again. Luckily for me, the chaplain had more experience in art than theatre, so when it came to chatting about musicals and plays I was really in my element!

We also went round the National Gallery in the section where all the religious paintings from alters were. This is a section I normally miss out because I have previously found it to be boring and reminds me of a part of church history which makes me feel uncomfortable, where money was spent on making a church opulent and a display of art rather than a contributing towards a community of people reaching out to those around them. I now see these pictures in a new way, looking to the stories behind them and the themes that they convey rather than the time in history where they come from and the excessive amount of gold leaf used to produce them. It was a most informative time and this guy really knows his stuff and has such a history of working in the arts field as a professor and curator, so I felt quite honoured to sit under such knowledge for a few hours.

And so ends part one of this record of my explorations, into two very different worlds which both capture my full interest and have very different levels of glamour! Sorry that there are no photos on this post as I didn’t take any on either days because I was enjoying myself rather a lot and was too busy taking everything in. Photos will be included in my next post, be assured!

Are you feeling a little restless, like me, or do you take comfort in constancy? Let me know in the comments

-Antonia

Five Month Review // January - February

Two blog posts in one weekend? Don't mind if I do! I have started to really enjoy writing, even if it is only of the ponderous sort. Plus, this weekend I had access to better WiFi, which means that it isn't such a chore to actually post things!

I cannot believe that I have past the five month mark already! This means that I only have five months (and a few weeks) left of living in London and having one of the most valuable life experiences that I have ever had. I can already see how these months of mingling with so many different people, living away from home, seeing so much distress and sorrow and learning so much more about what the Bible calls me to be and calls me to do in this world is shaping my life and my thoughts. It has given me better perspective and helped me to strip away prejudices I didn't even knew I had until I was forced to face them front on. Living in London isn't so bad, either, and this month I definitely intend to make the most of it with my free evenings!

So, on with the questions!

1) Weirdest thing you have seen in London this month?
Probably the Saatchi Gallery. Where else would you catch people just staring in awe at a room full of oil? I have pretty much been a little hermit since I returned from my Christmas holidays (for reasons that will be poured out in woe below) and so this was my first day trip, as it were. Regardless, just because the room full of oil was weird, doesn't mean that it wasn't quite wonderful as well, and some of the stuff in the Saatchi gallery really was incredible, or at least thought provoking even if it completely baffled me.

2) Particular highlights of this month?
Again, my little day trip last weekend with a friend. I went out to the West (I did feel a little twang of betrayal for the East London that I have grown to love) and took her round the V&A because she has never been before, and we had quite a jolly time marvelling at art history and in the gift shops. The Saatchi gallery gift shop really is superb. If you're not an arty person, at least pop into the gift shop! We also went to the photography exhibition at the Southbank Centre because I knew it was closing this weekend and my housemates had said that it was amazing. Never before have I so badly wanted to hike a mountain. Other highlights include rapping in my kitchen, drinking Hot Spiced Apple in Costa with my parents before it gets ripped off the menu, watching the sun set behind the Shard before church last Sunday.

I could have spent my whole time at the V&A simply marvelling t the building itself - from the outside of the store to the ceilings. The sculptures that hang in the reception/foyer area are also a particular highlight! 

3) Favourite part of your work this month?
To be honest, work has been hectic this month!  However, I have enjoyed doing a bit of admin for our next Market and having more time to get out into the community and chatting to people. Gone are the days where I would be washing up and chopping for a large chunk of my day. Now, I can make latte art (and not just even on lattes!) and have more time to really engage with people, which is the whole reason the centre exists. It exists to connect people who are isolated or who stick within familiar cultural groups to others who they might otherwise never associate with, and to become a place where people can feel comfortable and safe in an area that can seem quite gloomy and segregated. Even if this involves going out in the rain to knock on people's doors, the look of surprise on someone's face when you tell them that they and the community are being invited to come in and chat, essentially telling them that they have some value, is quite amazing, even if it is rare. I have also had the joy of telling more people about my faith and clearing up some dodgy theology that people associate with Christianity, which really brings me the greatest joy of all. And on Fridays, I often get to watch a film, sitting in a deckchair in the Cafe gallery space, which this month have included a silent German film and a quirky 80s movie called "Distant Voices, Still Lives", films I wouldn't have otherwise picked up. 

Somehow, this happened with my hand and some cleverly steamed milk.

4+5) Least favourite/ hardest part of your work this month?
I have crunched these two questions together this month because, really, this trial dominated my month. I have mentioned previously that my year includes some lectures and training, and so all of this so far had to be examined at the end of January. While I was excited about the prospect of studying the Bible, a book which I cherish and learn so much from, it also brought back past anxieties and deep-rooted fears of mine that made me quite unhappy on some evenings. I remember a particular day when I ended up volunteering myself for kitchen duty and ended up washing up, alone, for two hours. Any other month, and this would have been fine, but I was feeling particularly fragile and was fretting over my exam and thinking about all I had to learn and broke down in tears over the washing up bowl for a while. I then went and bought some swanky flavoured tea to make myself feel better! That week was especially hard because I felt very snowed under and reading my Bible became a necessary chore rather than a pleasure. I lost focus, perspective, and started to think forward to University and doubt whether I would be able to hack it. Not only was I worrying about an exam that affected me in no way whatsoever, but I was now becoming anxious about something that wasn't happening for ten months! It was the harsh reality of realising that my anxiety issue that I had battled through in the weeks before my A-Level exams had not been overcome, just pushed to one side in a box that had now been reopened that put a downer on my January. I also felt quite trapped between the walls of my bedroom and the cafe and spent all my weekends revising, which wasn't exactly a healthy way to do things as it left me feeling a little isolated. Top that off with missing friends and lack of sleep and you have a perfect remedy for how not to avoid stress. Nevertheless, I passed and felt a real peace on the week of my exam that really did surpass all understanding, and all the examinees had a lunch together to celebrate. Twas cute.

6) Would you kindly sum up your working month in three alliterative words?
Sunsets, stress, social. (Seriously, these are hard! WHY did I set myself this question?)

Image of a beautiful sunset that I witnessed. Unfortunately taken on a pretty rubbish HTC One camera that doesn't do well in low light or when enlarged. But too pretty not to share. Just squint!

7) Weird habits developed this month?
I used a revision technique which involved putting post-it notes absolutely anywhere I could find: on the fridges, front door, microwave, fireplace, light switches, sink, toilet door... Yep. I went post-it crazy but it definitely felt like a cheat way to revise if I was feeling tired or felt like a quick quiz over breakfast (I know, I am a very sad human being). I also had a craving for baked beans one week. It was odd.

8) What are you missing the most about home this month?
My friends, and being around people my own age everyday. I suddenly realised that I would keep in touch with few people at work after I leave in July, and that there really weren't that many people my own age outside of my housemates who I could chat to on a regular basis. I started looking through my pictures of the last year at school and really missing my friends. I didn't really see that much of most of them over Christmas either because I was studying and didn't have the money to get on goodness knows how many buses everyday to see them. I also didn't feel like I could nag them constantly about Uni and in my hermit/studying stress, along with cutting out social media, I felt quite disconnected from them. There is nothing like old friends, I feel. I don't really like all this moving on business!

9) Best housemate moment?
I have discovered that one of my housemates really likes to rap. So we rapped about our washing up. I also have a very perplexing video of her doing some sort of dancing and rapping in a very bad Jamaican accent which has made me chuckle multiple times. We haven't really been together that much as a house this month because of everyone's varying schedules so that is definitely something to work towards in February, before another five months have gone past and it is too late!

10) Discoveries this month?
The Saatchi Gallery; Jake Bugg's album, Shangri La; vegetable cake; www.brokeinlondon.com; the view from the Limehouse Basin (below)

And there is the round up! Phew. Really do need to find a way to be more concise. 

Have a merry February (JUST BECAUSE IT RHYMES)
-Antonia

Making Decisions

Firstly, my apologies. I promised blog posts and then I returned to the land of terrible WiFi, a broken laptop charger and made a snap decision to limit the amount of time I spent on social media in January to focus on some studying for an exam and generally not hiding my life away behind screens of various kinds. I lasted until a few days before said exam when being stuck in a room was driving me crazy and I realised that I hadn't spoken to any of my friends who are scattered across England for a month due to the fact that, because I hadn't checked my social media, I had almost forgotten about their existence and felt suddenly disconnected from them. Anyway, all of this meant that this little blog was quite forgotten about.

I suppose that introduction is rather apt for what I am going to ponder over today anyway: that was a decision that had both good and bad consequences. The positive side is that I found it easy to deal with and it allowed me to focus on higher priority matters, and I didn't go to bed with much guilt about how much time I had wasted in those allocated study hours cheekily checking my Twitter feed. If I haven’t mentioned already, I am obsessed with time. I heavily dislike being late and wasting time. It is a very British and uptight trait of mine which can be useful but also extremely agonising and irrationally controlling. Social media, therefore, seems like a waste of my time because it distracts me (making me ‘late’ in studying or finishing my work). Unless I can see the direct benefits of using these platforms then I feel guilty about using them. This brings me to the cons, mainly being the fact that I suddenly became aware of how reliant I am on these platforms to communicate with certain friends now that we are not spending five days a week together at school. I don’t know about you, but there are some people that it just feels unnatural to text and it feels more natural to reply to a sarcastic tweet or have a continuous messaging conversation with (when you know that they have to reply because they are online). Even without those things, you get to observe snapshots into their lives and take joy in the fact that they have new friends and are enjoying themselves, and through that feel connected, in some way, to their lives.

That was a small decision that made a small impact on my life for a few weeks before the decision was reversed. It was made in exceptional circumstances, and thus was easily transferable and was rejected and set aside without guilt, with some lessons learned. How lovely! Sadly, not every decision is so easy or changeable. Christmas and family visits inevitably come with many questions about your future and, as UCAS applications close and apprenticeship/job applications start to open, now is the time to find the answers to those questions. During Christmas, I decided once again that I was set on going to University. Within a week of working I wasn’t so sure. There are so many issues to face: Are the fees really worth it? Is this merely procrastinating? Am I going to end up jobless regardless? Do I have the strength to overcome my anxiety and study on a more permanent basis? Are you any clearer in what you want to pursue?

The more you ask yourself these questions, the more your head spins into a whirlwind. It seems as if this one decision is the fork in the road that dictates your entire life (as did my GCSE results, A Level results etc... funny that!)

This was until I met a friend of mine on the tube. If you are a Londoner, you know that it is incredibly rare to get on a tube and bump into someone you know! We started to chat about making decisions and she calming reminding me of something that continues to free me from anxiety over what decision I make: that if my decision leads me to bring glory and honour to God, then it is a right decision. Can I bring glory and honour to God at University? Yes! Can I do the same looking for part-time work or an apprenticeship? Yes! All the other factors are left in the lurch when this amazing fact is considered. I might have a career in three years and be earning, or I might be in horrific crippling debt, but regardless of the outcome, these things will pass away. As long as in either situation I can worship and glorify my Creator and my Saviour, then my life has meaning and purpose and God’s work is being fulfilled in me.

As it happens, over this year I have some ideas about what I would like to do in the future. I have no idea how I might get there, if I ever do. But the phrase “patience, child” rings between my ears and softens my stubborn and demanding heart to make these desires of mine come to fruition. I clearly have a lot to learn, and a lifetime of waiting upon the Lord ahead of me (and I do dislike waiting!)

-Antonia

P.S. Here are some pretty pictures that I have been taking!

Photographs of 2013 // Part Two

So on New Year's Day here comes some more photographs that remind me of all the fantastic moments that 2013 has graced me with, and hopefully some ones that have not been featured on this blog yet! We start in July, which was perhaps the busiest month of 2013 as Summer was in full swing..

JULY

July was a fantastic month. The first two pictures are from a day where I tripped up to London to see my sister for lunch while she was on work experience, and instead of heading back home, just wandered around the area. This was two days before I knew that I would be moving to London this year and it was around a 15 minute walk from where she was to my new home, so this stroll proved to be very useful. The most exciting thing, however, was stumbling across the Museum of London which has the most fascinating exhibition where you walk through the whole of the history of London. The first image was taken from a section of quaint mock-ups of shops selling toys, pawnbrokers and barbers, and was probably the only section where I could get away with snapping a photograph because it wasn't guarded. Next we have Disneyland, which is pretty self-explanatory. It really was quite magical and it was my first holiday with a friend, too. I spent far too much money on food - there are no cheap options if you want to avoid chips everyday! My favourite part of the trip was most definitely the light show. I filmed the whole thing on my phone and to be honest, the quality of my HTC pictures are better than my Nikon D3000. I do, however, love the grainy photo I took on my Nikon of my phone recording with all the audience and the light out of focus. I have to say, we got a great position because everybody in front of us sat down and our 'row' stood up, and we were bang in the centre. It was an unforgettable moment. A week after I returned from Disneyland Paris, I went on a three-week long and thoroughly exhausting Beach Mission, where Christians from up and down the country go to beach resorts and primarily run a kid's club with songs, Bible stories, games and quizzes. I've done it two years in a row and not only do you meet fantastic people, but you get to share the most important thing in your life with total strangers. From my first year I started writing to a young boy and saw him again this year, which was such a beautiful moment. I worked on two beaches in Wales: for one week I was in Benllech, Anglesey, with my friend Lucy (pictured looking ravishing) and the second two were in Llandudno. Wales in these photographs looks surprisingly sunny! Unfortunately the pictures that really show what it was all about are off limits here because I wouldn't want to upset anyone on my team by uploading them without permission. The photograph that makes me laugh from that collection is the newspaper article, where you can see all the team in red at the end of the beach hopelessly waving around a parachute trying to get people to come and play. I don't remember the seaweed smelling more than the fact that it was just everywhere! Our team actually did the council's job for them and cleaned it up. What I loved about Beach Mission was my early morning Bible studies on my own by the beach, watching the sunrise (when the last photo was taken). Tranquil moments like that are rare in London, now!

Tweets of the month: One day all the facebook mums who post pictures of their babies with cringe-inducing captions will face the wrath of their teenager.

In a room full of royalists watching Will and Kate present their sprog to the world. No Simba moment yet... we live in hope.

AUGUST

August was lovely in so many ways. The bottom photograph shows the leftovers of my Beach Mission when we went on our weekly afternoon out and we sat on top of a hill and watched the pier. I also attended another wedding at my church of one of my youth leaders. Not only was it Hobbit/Lord of the Rings themed (she ripped out pages of the books and used them to make origami flowers), but there was such a beautiful story of patience, frustration, let-downs, doubt, but ultimately love behind her story before her husband came into her life. I love this picture of my sister, mum and I: it is very rare that we actually get pictures as a three even though we spend a lot of time together. Shortly after that -with A-Level results sandwiched in between- I went to a Christian festival called Soul Survivor to gain signatures for the Open Doors Save Syria petition. Working on a charity stand is hard, and extremely hot. This was also the week that I started to drink tea (I am pretty much a fail of a British Citizen), which proved to be very useful when working at the Cafe. We were on a really small team of four among thousands of people so it would have been pretty alienating and lonely had I not had friends from my school CU with their youth group, and I spent some chilled afternoons with them and got to know them so much better, which brings me nicely to our school CU meet up. I don't think many of these people actually went to the CU but this was pretty much a gathering of Christians before we went to Uni. We ate food, played games involving throwing cups of water at one another, and prayed for each other before everyone departed for University. And lastly, it was my friend Kat's 19th Birthday, where we ate my homemade Double Chocolate Pavlova and larked about with my camera, hence my ridiculous face in the top picture.

Tweet of the month: Mulan is such a babe

SEPTEMBER

Ah, September, you were a little crazy. Obviously, I have put most of that into my one month review but there were some little gems I hadn't written about, the first being my little send off before I left. Every year, at some point during the summer, my Dad's side of the family meet together for a Garden Party held at my grandparents' house. I have ten cousins on that side, plus spouses so it is a lot of fun to see them again until Christmas. Most of us are pictures in the bottom photograph playing a game we have played every single year where you have a bottle filled with water to the top and two soft balls. Standing in lines, you roll the ball to the person opposite you and try to knock over the bottle so that they lose water. It is basically an elimination game and has a lot of cheating each year. I have never won, and my aim gets worse every year. This occasion was a perfect family send off, complete with tea in posh teacups. The photograph of the blurred family picture was taken at my first Garden Party when I was 1. Every time I go over to their house I laugh at the 90s hairstyles (pudding bowl was a favourite in our family) and garish outfits. After I moved, all my friends went off to Uni, but two of my friends weren't leaving until October and they came up to London one day and we went to my Cafe and then travelled by bus to the other side of London to have cupcakes and pink lemonade. At a time when I was feeling pretty lonesome and a little lost, it was nice to catch up with familiar faces and obviously, eat food. 

OCTOBER

October kicked off with my Birthday, where the highlight was Google congratulating me for turning 19. It was a bit of a sombre occasion because I was missing my friends and actually, many of them were so busy with University that they quite forgot about it (I don't publish my birthday on Facebook to remind them). I went home for the weekend only to find that I spent it taking advantage of the good WiFi ie sitting in my bed on my laptop. I did have a lovely meal with family, but there was definitely a shadow cast over it until I returned to London and was greeted with a cake and Lindt chocolates by my housemates. October also signalled my first trip to Spitalfields and the general Shoreditch area, courtesy of someone who I have the pleasure of working with who lives in that area and gave me a tour. She is one of the most lovely, genuine people I have met and it's a jolly shame I don't see her more often. I particularly enjoyed the Rough Trade store because of the text on the wall and the random street art dotted around that area. The other picture is just of my window because October was lacking in photographs that I hadn't already used in my two month review

Tweet of the month: Procrastinating in Asda. Dodging women with buggies.

NOVEMBER

November was the month I decided that my room needed a bit of sprucing up and put all the letters and papers that I had on a wall next to my bed as a little documentation of my year. It was also the month I revisited the Museum of London and stood in a box which had a map of London covering the entire thing. I told you I enjoyed that exhibition! I walked back from the Museum of London and took a shot across the river on the way home. I also got the tube at some point, hence the bottom photograph, and also saw the Houses of Parliament and took a photograph when it was raining. Yep, once again November was pretty well covered in my three month review. 

Actually, that pretty much covered December as well, and we didn't take any photographs over Christmas apart from a few grainy Instagrams:

Yep. Very grainy. I'll save the other photographs for another post (strange laugher commences here).

I have quite enjoyed this 2013 round up, and although it is New Year's Day today and many people stop looking back and start looking forward, I don't think I've had my time yet. I am quite a reflective person and so I really like to relish this time of the year when it becomes a lot more acceptable to evaluate your past and become ultra-nostalgic. Of course, there is a time to look forward, and New Year is typically a day to do that, but I am a firm believer that if you want to change something about your life or work to a goal, it doesn't need to be set when the seasons do or when the times change, merely when you decide. New Year isn't all that important to me: it creates unnecessary pressure to dramatically change your life or improve yourself. As a Christian the idea of 'improving myself' is completely counter to what I believe, yet New Year and the media surrounding it saturates all these images and ideas that actually make me feel rather down in January. So, throughout January I shall still be looking back in thanks to God for my year, reminiscing good memories and rejoicing that the bad times taught me something valuable that I can take with me in many years to come.

Future posts include '13 songs of 2013' and '13 videos of 2013,' and I am so excited to write them!

-Antonia

P.S. Happy New Year, I guess.