Making Decisions

Firstly, my apologies. I promised blog posts and then I returned to the land of terrible WiFi, a broken laptop charger and made a snap decision to limit the amount of time I spent on social media in January to focus on some studying for an exam and generally not hiding my life away behind screens of various kinds. I lasted until a few days before said exam when being stuck in a room was driving me crazy and I realised that I hadn't spoken to any of my friends who are scattered across England for a month due to the fact that, because I hadn't checked my social media, I had almost forgotten about their existence and felt suddenly disconnected from them. Anyway, all of this meant that this little blog was quite forgotten about.

I suppose that introduction is rather apt for what I am going to ponder over today anyway: that was a decision that had both good and bad consequences. The positive side is that I found it easy to deal with and it allowed me to focus on higher priority matters, and I didn't go to bed with much guilt about how much time I had wasted in those allocated study hours cheekily checking my Twitter feed. If I haven’t mentioned already, I am obsessed with time. I heavily dislike being late and wasting time. It is a very British and uptight trait of mine which can be useful but also extremely agonising and irrationally controlling. Social media, therefore, seems like a waste of my time because it distracts me (making me ‘late’ in studying or finishing my work). Unless I can see the direct benefits of using these platforms then I feel guilty about using them. This brings me to the cons, mainly being the fact that I suddenly became aware of how reliant I am on these platforms to communicate with certain friends now that we are not spending five days a week together at school. I don’t know about you, but there are some people that it just feels unnatural to text and it feels more natural to reply to a sarcastic tweet or have a continuous messaging conversation with (when you know that they have to reply because they are online). Even without those things, you get to observe snapshots into their lives and take joy in the fact that they have new friends and are enjoying themselves, and through that feel connected, in some way, to their lives.

That was a small decision that made a small impact on my life for a few weeks before the decision was reversed. It was made in exceptional circumstances, and thus was easily transferable and was rejected and set aside without guilt, with some lessons learned. How lovely! Sadly, not every decision is so easy or changeable. Christmas and family visits inevitably come with many questions about your future and, as UCAS applications close and apprenticeship/job applications start to open, now is the time to find the answers to those questions. During Christmas, I decided once again that I was set on going to University. Within a week of working I wasn’t so sure. There are so many issues to face: Are the fees really worth it? Is this merely procrastinating? Am I going to end up jobless regardless? Do I have the strength to overcome my anxiety and study on a more permanent basis? Are you any clearer in what you want to pursue?

The more you ask yourself these questions, the more your head spins into a whirlwind. It seems as if this one decision is the fork in the road that dictates your entire life (as did my GCSE results, A Level results etc... funny that!)

This was until I met a friend of mine on the tube. If you are a Londoner, you know that it is incredibly rare to get on a tube and bump into someone you know! We started to chat about making decisions and she calming reminding me of something that continues to free me from anxiety over what decision I make: that if my decision leads me to bring glory and honour to God, then it is a right decision. Can I bring glory and honour to God at University? Yes! Can I do the same looking for part-time work or an apprenticeship? Yes! All the other factors are left in the lurch when this amazing fact is considered. I might have a career in three years and be earning, or I might be in horrific crippling debt, but regardless of the outcome, these things will pass away. As long as in either situation I can worship and glorify my Creator and my Saviour, then my life has meaning and purpose and God’s work is being fulfilled in me.

As it happens, over this year I have some ideas about what I would like to do in the future. I have no idea how I might get there, if I ever do. But the phrase “patience, child” rings between my ears and softens my stubborn and demanding heart to make these desires of mine come to fruition. I clearly have a lot to learn, and a lifetime of waiting upon the Lord ahead of me (and I do dislike waiting!)

-Antonia

P.S. Here are some pretty pictures that I have been taking!