First Term Lessons

University has been a learning curve like no other. By the time I was old enough to really have a solid grasp of who I was, I had the same friends for three years and could easily avoid those I didn't like. I had my routines and my hobbies all worked out, and everyone understood them because we were all alike. I would get up early and go to bed early. I wouldn't work past 7 and would watch TV every night with my mum before bed. I spent most Saturdays completing my work from the previous week and was very much a stay-at-home girl. I watched a lot of YouTube. During my gap year, I would housed once more with people like me, worked with people older than me but who generally shared my values, and that was of great encouragement. I did a tough job for no money and that gave me a passion and a vision that I hope to see flourish in the future.

University is different to my gap year in many ways, and I can't believe that when people told me it was a world like no other that I didn't believe them. You live alongside people that probably would have avoided you at school because you were weird, difficult personalities. I shared with a girl who I may never have crossed paths with elsewhere in life because our backgrounds were so different. Instead of being the person that retreated to their room, I worked alone but found myself beginning to crave social interaction, discussion, friendship on a deep level that mainly worked on a face-to-face basis because they were quite literally just down the hallway. Yes, it all got intense at times, and there were definitely some down moments when essays all piled up over a few weeks, but you were never alone. There was also the opportunity to try something new, and I've picked up old hobbies as well as new ones, once again filled with different people. I am doing a whole host of subjects and juggling it all is a right challenge, especially when, unlike my A Levels, I am not a reclusive workaholic who spends a lot of time alone, but also makes the time for hours of exercise and other pastimes. In this messy, busy, world, I have learnt a lot, and I intend to carry these lessons into the next term.



1) There Is Always Time.
When the essays rolled in and I saw all my deadlines for one week, I panicked big time. I wanted to stay up late, get up early, and generally not be kind to myself. I would push myself just a bit too hard, depriving myself of sleep. I would punish myself internally if I didn't feel like I had done enough. And it hit me at the end of it all, when all the deadlines were in, that there was always enough time to do what I wanted, sleep, chat with friends, exercise. I didn't have to be anxious about it, and in fact all those other things helped me to be more productive when I was awake. Sounds so simple, but for a perfectionist who is controlling and unkind to herself, a lesson well-learned. Yes, I might not be as hyper-organised as I would be in school, handing things in a week before, but I can do that same thing and be a little calmer.

2) Resting Is A Good Thing.
It is not the enemy of all things productive, nor is it always selfish. I had to be told far too many times in one particular week to rest. I didn't, and things went wrong. I cried a lot, but I did get given a muffin by one who was particularly sympathetic. You CAN get by with less sleep, but it doesn't mean you have to.

3) Look At What Is More Valuable.
Those marks for the essay that doesn't count? Yes, they are a useful indication of where you are heading, and they make you feel warm and fuzzy for a while, but they don't count. They really don't. I'm not saying I should slump into a thought process whereby I don't care about anything I produce (after all, I'm paying a lot for this!), but that I care and put effort into it, but don't stake my hopes on the result. The results I produce, my achievements, are not my true value. I am to seek meaning and value elsewhere and my time should reflect that. As a Christian, that means more time in prayer, seeking out friendships, looking to be compassionate and give my time sacrificially to serve others.

4) Let The Introvert Take Over Sometimes.
You don't have to enjoy always being around the constant stream of people, nor are you validated by doing so. I realised this term that I was becoming really conscious of how people saw me and tried to betray my personality by involving myself in things I wasn't too keen on. I was trying, for a time, not to do things with people outside of my halls so that I wouldn't lose friends. And I really have enjoyed this holidays being on my own, journalling more, and venturing out to see friends on my own terms rather than being barged in on and having to put up with someone for a few hours rather than just gently telling them that I would rather be alone.

5) Let Your Hair Down.
It's good to celebrate. And you, of all people, can do it sensibly and on your terms. Don't be so self-conscious, whack out that crazy dancing.

6) Embrace Brunch.
It might feel weird to come back from dance class on a Saturday morning to hash browns and beans, but you have no other choice really. And now they've replace your Sunday roast with it, too. So you had better get used to it.

Dressing up as Penny Pingleton. More of this next term.

The one day where I really went for it with brunch.

I've probably learnt even more than that, but this is the stuff that as I reflect on my first term that has really stuck. Hopefully, next term with my own room, things will be different in many ways. I can get up and not have to get dressed in the dark, go to bed with the lights off. Talk to myself. Sing to myself. It will be brilliant!

What has life been teaching you over the last few months?

-Antonia

Stuck in the Bubble

I didn't understand it when people said that returning to University was like returning to a Bubble, but now the only way I can describe University is a parallel universe. Honestly, I did not believe it when people said that it was so entirely different to any life you will ever have, and I did not expect it to be so all-encompassing and challenging in so many ways. Now, I find myself with a week to go, without any deadlines but still a lot of reading if I don't want my suitcase to weigh a tonne, and itching to get away. Not from the people, or the city, or the experience of learning and trying so many new things, but just from a world which doesn't feel quite real.

My section of my shared room at University

Last year, I faced the realities of everyday life in marginalised communities in London, and it was a wake up call. Foodbanks lie dear to my heart, as does issues of poverty, benefit sanctions, and community groups. Even in a city that seems to be pretty idyllic, since being here I have learnt that it is unique among the county and that there are parts where the lifespan decreases by 10-20 years in a ten-minute drive. Yet, I am part of a weird world where students complain about money yet rarely face the real problems of hunger, electricity, water, shelter. And they are hugely apathetic about the Foodbank collection in our post room, which only had one tin of food in the last time I checked. Many are incredibly ignorant of real situations in real lives, yet are some of the most intelligent people I have met. There are a few which have real hearts of compassion, real love and drive and have even set up this incredible organisation to get students involved in local charities that would otherwise struggle to get volunteers. I was thrilled when I found out about them, but disappointed in myself that apathy set in so quickly as I was swaddled up in a cradle of comfort, of meals in a fancy dining hall and my money going towards the next best event and making friends than my passion for community. Why does being a student exemplify me from being a part of society as a whole?

You can easily spend all day going from breakfast to the library, to a lecture, to lunch, to basketball practise, to your kitchen for a tea break, to your room, to dinner, to the library, to bed. Stuck in your bubble of friendship and intellect, afraid of missing out, branching out, and really considering what is important in life. Rarely considering other people outside of this alternative reality.

Some people say you have to embrace this world in which a week goes by so fast and yet everything evolves - you have hours and hours of knowledge crammed in, new people and the dynamics of the group of people that you see everyday seems to reform every hour. For me, it feels more like staying afloat and remembering my true identity and passions which exist outside of this maddening sensation of not being in the real world and losing some of the convictions most important to me. I feel threatened.

This makes out as if University has been a bad experience, and it undoubtedly has not. I've been surprised at how much I have loved it. I've really quite enjoyed learning again, discovering and rediscovering, becoming excited by the vastness of the classical world and the underlying features of novels and the new ways of reading theology. I've enjoyed weighty discussion. I've enjoyed taking up exercise more regularly in an atmosphere where it is encouraged even if you are really very bad (like me). I've enjoyed having people around to talk to over cups of tea. I've enjoyed meeting so many inspiring people through church and Christian Union who show such generosity and help to such a confused fresher, and learning through them how to stumble along in faith at University. But I've also felt smothered by the workload, smothered by the constant social expectations, none of which I would classify as being quite real.

University is bizzare and I don't understand it yet. It's a bubble which feels inescapable, but I'm sure that over Christmas I will miss it. No matter how much I complain and grumble, I still am living in a real world. It is just a world I hadn't really considered before, a world tainted with far more privilege and freedom than I am used to, and a world far further from home than I've ever been.

Eleven Months to Grow a Girl

A few years ago, at the ripe old age of 16 (ha!), I felt a strong call to do a gap year, to spend a year growing and learning and seeing where God could bring me as a person, use me for His glory and share His amazing story along the way. I did not know what that might look like and I certainly would never have imagined the past eleven months as they were back then. And now, I leave London with a greater vision, less fear of the future, a greater truth in God's purposes, a passion for building community, a more balanced life that is shaped by service rather than self-ambition, great friends, amazing mentors, and a rich rich thankfulness. I can't explain how this year has shaken me as a person in all aspects of my life, how it has made me wrestle with the way I live my life in an often painful way, and realigned my life to see greater things, greater plans and be ready for the future.

I remember when I was applying for University and I struggled to get excited about it. I didn't feel ready, I didn't want to learn for three years when I could be doing things, making an impact. I didn't want to be swept up in a culture that rid me of my current identity and once again forced me into thinking that knowledge, learning and achievements are what my identity rides on. Now, I feel ready. I have had a year of giving, learning, loving and I have a healthier perspective of what University can offer me and exactly why I am going. Yes, I want to get a degree which can give me access to better jobs and opportunities (although I am a big believer in alternative methods and explored many of them before finally deciding that to accept my place at University was the right thing for me) and I want to have the 'experience' that so many grads harp on about (although this year has been a wonderful experience also, and one I would not trade for an earlier graduation). But now I go knowing exactly what I want out of that experience, how I can serve and grow and learn and keep a healthy attitude to what really matters.

The past eleven months have grown me as a girl by forcing me into an adult world of adult problems. It forced me to work out the struggles of routine, of priorities, of living with people who won't make you dinner and wash your clothes and who hold you responsible for your own welfare (let's be honest, living at home is not the same), to think independently and to love in a deeper, richer and relentless way. The work I have done has been hard. I have been working in a highly skilled team who intimidated me for the first few months with their togetherness and social life, who showed me what it was to work hard but also the joys of rest, and got me out of my bubble of only hanging out with people my own age. I have been working in a community with cultural and age differences where prejudice is still rife and trying to unite them and cross those boundaries, loving people who are hard to love, serving them in their greatest need and putting up with their many character traits which are fraustrating as anything. I have taken responsibility and ownership for my work, building my own relationships in an environment that does not give you a handy mark scheme so you can see your progress or tick boxes like you can with an A Level essay.

I've also learnt little things like budgeting money (on a much tighter budget than Student Finance let me tell you!), and socialising! Yep, I was the girl who chose to spend pretty much all her Saturdays essay writing rather than working just that little bit harder in the week. I was rubbish at making plans and worried far too much about getting things done. I now feel confident just to grab a camera and walk around London, to meet friends after work (an evening out on a school night? Goodness gracious), to enjoy all the free and wonderful things London has to offer, including the company of my housemates. I have learnt to live in community with others rather than just shutting myself in my room for the day with my laptop and a bowl of pasta; I can cook a lot better, too!

Basically, life happened and forced me to grow up. I worked the hardest I have ever and faced real struggles, taking on the emotional pain of others, a broken heart for the poor and marginalised. I cried with the anxiety of taking upon myself the welfare of these people and cried out for strength to love these people and push aside my humiliation, awkwardness and fear. But alongside that, I came out wanting to do that full-time some day. To invest myself fully into a lifestyle that is shaped by sacrifice. But I know I have to grow a lot, lot more for it not to break me, and to do that job to the best of my ability, with a greater commitment and heart and passion.

The other day, I even referred to myself as a woman, and I think that is a pretty big deal.

-Antonia

Making Decisions

Firstly, my apologies. I promised blog posts and then I returned to the land of terrible WiFi, a broken laptop charger and made a snap decision to limit the amount of time I spent on social media in January to focus on some studying for an exam and generally not hiding my life away behind screens of various kinds. I lasted until a few days before said exam when being stuck in a room was driving me crazy and I realised that I hadn't spoken to any of my friends who are scattered across England for a month due to the fact that, because I hadn't checked my social media, I had almost forgotten about their existence and felt suddenly disconnected from them. Anyway, all of this meant that this little blog was quite forgotten about.

I suppose that introduction is rather apt for what I am going to ponder over today anyway: that was a decision that had both good and bad consequences. The positive side is that I found it easy to deal with and it allowed me to focus on higher priority matters, and I didn't go to bed with much guilt about how much time I had wasted in those allocated study hours cheekily checking my Twitter feed. If I haven’t mentioned already, I am obsessed with time. I heavily dislike being late and wasting time. It is a very British and uptight trait of mine which can be useful but also extremely agonising and irrationally controlling. Social media, therefore, seems like a waste of my time because it distracts me (making me ‘late’ in studying or finishing my work). Unless I can see the direct benefits of using these platforms then I feel guilty about using them. This brings me to the cons, mainly being the fact that I suddenly became aware of how reliant I am on these platforms to communicate with certain friends now that we are not spending five days a week together at school. I don’t know about you, but there are some people that it just feels unnatural to text and it feels more natural to reply to a sarcastic tweet or have a continuous messaging conversation with (when you know that they have to reply because they are online). Even without those things, you get to observe snapshots into their lives and take joy in the fact that they have new friends and are enjoying themselves, and through that feel connected, in some way, to their lives.

That was a small decision that made a small impact on my life for a few weeks before the decision was reversed. It was made in exceptional circumstances, and thus was easily transferable and was rejected and set aside without guilt, with some lessons learned. How lovely! Sadly, not every decision is so easy or changeable. Christmas and family visits inevitably come with many questions about your future and, as UCAS applications close and apprenticeship/job applications start to open, now is the time to find the answers to those questions. During Christmas, I decided once again that I was set on going to University. Within a week of working I wasn’t so sure. There are so many issues to face: Are the fees really worth it? Is this merely procrastinating? Am I going to end up jobless regardless? Do I have the strength to overcome my anxiety and study on a more permanent basis? Are you any clearer in what you want to pursue?

The more you ask yourself these questions, the more your head spins into a whirlwind. It seems as if this one decision is the fork in the road that dictates your entire life (as did my GCSE results, A Level results etc... funny that!)

This was until I met a friend of mine on the tube. If you are a Londoner, you know that it is incredibly rare to get on a tube and bump into someone you know! We started to chat about making decisions and she calming reminding me of something that continues to free me from anxiety over what decision I make: that if my decision leads me to bring glory and honour to God, then it is a right decision. Can I bring glory and honour to God at University? Yes! Can I do the same looking for part-time work or an apprenticeship? Yes! All the other factors are left in the lurch when this amazing fact is considered. I might have a career in three years and be earning, or I might be in horrific crippling debt, but regardless of the outcome, these things will pass away. As long as in either situation I can worship and glorify my Creator and my Saviour, then my life has meaning and purpose and God’s work is being fulfilled in me.

As it happens, over this year I have some ideas about what I would like to do in the future. I have no idea how I might get there, if I ever do. But the phrase “patience, child” rings between my ears and softens my stubborn and demanding heart to make these desires of mine come to fruition. I clearly have a lot to learn, and a lifetime of waiting upon the Lord ahead of me (and I do dislike waiting!)

-Antonia

P.S. Here are some pretty pictures that I have been taking!