Nine month review // May - June

It’s getting to the point where each month blurs into the other: the rhythm of life has become so smooth and slick that I barely notice as time passes away and I head further and further towards my leaving date. I can’t remember what was in this month and last month and frankly my emotions have been so high and low over the past few weeks that it feels like a month in itself! I want to apologise for having not blogged a little more but frankly I’ve been horrendous at updating all my social medias over the last month (Instagram in particular suffered a sad neglect as suddenly my photo-taking suffered an unprecedented drop), and it’s just a little fun for me and so I shouldn’t feel pressured or guilty for not doing so. This month has been a very reflective one as I look towards the end and towards new beginnings once again, and how all the pieces of my life at the moment might carry through to my life at University once it begins in September. My world will temporarily return to what I have known when I move back with my parents for all of seven weeks and then I will return to education in this weird place up North where there are no sirens before bed and people of my own age everywhere and books to read and no tube sweat. I’ve got a whole new environment to adapt to ahead and looking back on these reviews is reminding me on how far I’ve come this year, how much I’ve learnt and how capable I am to do so.

There is a distinct lack of pictures this month due to business and general laziness. This makes me sad because I love photography and have lost my groove with it this month. So, somehow, words will have to made do, especially since the photos I did take aren't too high quality and seem to be butchered as soon as they make it online, no matter how I edit them.

1) Weirdest thing you have seen in London this month?
Every month I make a mental note about the answer to this and by the time I come to blog, completely forget it. The problem is, I think, that in London you see so many strange happenings that they pass you by. On an inspiring note, I saw a huge group of people cycling for Help the Heroes last Sunday over Tower Bridge.

2) Particular highlights of this month?
By far I think a highlight has been doing a trip to see a few friends at different Universities and getting out of London for a while at a time where I was feeling a little under pressure and really missing familiar faces. I didn’t get to catch up with some of them as I would have liked over their Easter break because of timing so it was great to spend 24 hours with a few people watching films, exploring their campus’ and generally having a natter. I went to the cutest cafe that was Alice in Wonderland themes and ate Walnut cake (one of my faves), ate very nice but largely unhealthy food, drank tea, went to the most hipster Costa coffee I have seen and stayed up later than I have all year. I was tired and exhausted by the time I returned to London but simply taking a glimpse into my friends lives was so worth it. It made me wish that I had made the time to do it sooner and more frequently over the year. It was a three day escapade that made me excited for more times with my school friends over summer.

This concoction was made by my friend when I stayed with her in halls. It has salmon on it. Student life is not what I thought it would be. 

I have also been enjoying the sunshine this month, especially at breakfast time when I can explore our small, overgrown garden and on Sundays where I always have the afternoons free to sit in the local churchyard and hang out with my housemates or read, all crammed on one blanket. I’m not too good with the heat so I don’t last long and eventually retreat to the cool air of my bedroom but getting out of those four walls during the more rainy periods of May has been lovely.

The flowers and reflections found in our small garden - someone's been secretly hard at work!

I also went to the British Museum last Saturday with a friend which was fascinating. I haven’t been to the British Museum for a good year and a half and that was for a special Shakespeare exhibition so going there to see the more permanent exhibits was very worthwhile. We barely made a dent on the museum and were there until we felt our legs were going to drop off so it is worth a return. I also spent a Saturday with my mum this month, trundling along Oxford Street in the search of some clothes suitable for this hot weather. I don’t necessarily miss living at home but I do miss seeing my family more regularly and love the fact that I am only a short train ride away if they wanted to see me. It’s going to be hard when I move a four hour train journey away in September and won’t see them for over two months. In terms of mid-week treats, seeing Maleficent was definitely a good choice, and free because my housemate kindly paid with her Odeon loyalty points. I am very picky about films that I see and this definitely exceeded my expectations, the graphics and cinematography were beautiful and Angelina Jolie had so much poise.

I often find the ceilings of museums more fascinating that the artefacts inside them. The majority of my photos from the British museum confirm this.

3) Favourite part of your work this month?
The introduction of iced latte and Iced tea has been a welcome one, and I am, frankly, a little bit obsessed. I have been relishing all things cafe culture this month as I seek work in a coffee shop and I think that I identify as a coffee snob now.

4) Least favourite part of your work this month?
My routine has been interrupted somewhat with new arrivals and volunteers and I suppose that this late on in my year, I am not coping well with change, especially if I feel like my roles are being taken away from me that I really enjoy or was looking forward to be a part of. I have limited time left and I want to squeeze all the goodness out of it possible!

5) Hardest part of your work this month?
One thing I have learned about myself this month is that I pile unnecessary pressure on myself which is unhealthy and drives me into anxiety and worry over things that don’t exist (like this blog readership). In short, I exhausted myself by inactivity because in my quiet moments my worries drove me to nothing, and then I felt guilty, and then I was stuck. It all stems from a mindset that I have as a woman of ambition who constantly strives to be more in all things but finds herself helplessly falling short of it and being sent into despair, losing my core identity and all motivation. I found myself feeling tired and grumpy doing a job I loved and then feeling guilty that I wasn’t doing my job well because I was tired and grumpy with all my worries about nothing and non-existent pressure. It’s been a tough ride, but I have finally rested myself. Just about. Maybe.

... and this pear and walnut cake certainly helped to lift my mood at the end of the day!

6) Would you kindly sum up your working month in three alliterative words/phrases?
Inspiring, Innovating, Iced! The first two words refer to a lot of exciting changes which I believe will take everything forward, inspiring new people joining the team and all the envisioning going on among my personal team. It’s just a shame I won’t be there to drink it all in as it happens.

7) Weird habits developed this month?
This month hasn’t been too weird and I haven’t had many fads. I suppose my biggest habit this month has been obsessively watching Nashville and rewatching Heroes. I am glad this is coming to an end so that I can finish those books I never finished last month and those which I have started reading this month. I have also fallen back into my summer habit of eating ice cubes, which is especially hard at work when we have an ice cube maker staring at me all day and all I want to do is fill a bowl with ice and crunch it. Yep.

8) What are you missing most about home this month?
I feel like this answer is a culminating of all the answers that I have put all year: my friends, my family, and the silence and privacy of being able to step outside and go for a walk without there being people everywhere you go. I have grown to be intolerant of tourists even though I still feel like one. And, more superficially, I miss the income my paper round used to bring in and feeling like I had my own money to spend on things other than food and travel. One of the most irritating things about this year has been having the whole of London to explore yet not having the money to do it: every day out means lunch has to be accounted for or you end up hauling round food and drink on the tube. I’ve been keen to go to the Tower of London all year but it takes a huge chunk out of my money right now. Even if I do find things that I want to do, I miss having all the friends to do it with who will enjoy it just as much and make spending the money worth it. No one in my house is into art and so I go to galleries alone which can be a pretty isolating experience on a Saturday. 

Even though London might be expensive, sunsets and architecture are free. Winning combination! Taken at a bus stop in Aldgate.

9) Best Housemate moment?
Celebrating one of my housemate’s birthdays with a curry and company. We spent the evening playing stupid games in our living room and having one of the funniest evenings in a while. Just taking that time for around ten of us to sit round a table is rare and special. Like I said last month, I am appreciating all the time we are spending just chilling out together in the evenings having a chat or watching a film, eating dinner together. As much as I enjoy our little outings (and we have a great one planned for a few weeks’ time) those times are the times which make the difference to your week and mood and I am grateful for them. I am anticipating many more evenings together as world cup season approaches!

The best rosetta I have made all year!

10) Discoveries this month?
Using the depop app to find cheap, second hand clothing (I bought a beautiful bag for £6 - can't go too wrong!); how GOOD the avocado and green bean salad is in Nandos; the aforementioned British Museum; vscocam editing app; Iced lattes; one-pot cous cous; this beautiful etsy shop where I recently bought a new laptop bag in preparation for University.

Hope this has helped you to reflect on all the little and big things in your months, too. It is certainly helping me to remember things that so easily would have passed me by this year.

-Antonia

Eight Month Review // April - May

Although this hasn't been a ‘proper’ month of work as I have had my Easter time off, I have so little time left of my adventures in London that it feels extra important to document as much as I can of it before I forget. I have realised that no matter how hard I tried to remember everyone who I meet who was in need, or how I really felt when I first moved, or every funny moment that happened in London, the pace of life has chucked most of it out. Maybe our brain holds onto more than we search for which is why we need so many reminders: our past writings, our social media, our pictures and videos. And this is another! Even in my journal I do not comprehensibly write out parts of my life or things I have been doing so looking back on these allows me to see how much I’ve grown and remember all the amazing things that I have done this year, all the moments of friendship shared with old friends and new, all the moments of hardship that I have overcome or have been seasons which I have come out of the other side stronger for. I have reached the point where I have realised that this life I live now and am starting to thrive off will come to an end and it will be all change once more in October. More awkward beginnings to new friendships, settling back into a life where all my food is cooked for me (at least for my first year), moving to a new place (goodness gracious, the far north!) and actually having little routine compared to now. But since I still have three of these to go, I’d better stop thinking about the end and reminisce on the last month!

1) Weirdest thing you have seen in London this month?

I was walking home and saw a group of men all wearing those hats that hold two beers on either side. It made me chuckle because at first I thought that they looked like they were wearing Santa outfits in May and then because I thought that the contraption on their head made it look like they had antlers. I suppose one of the weirdest things also has to be the fact that one day my housemates and I all strolled down a busy main road with pans of soup, bowls of food and plates to the local park to eat dinner, just because we fancied it.

2) Particular highlights of this month?

I was off work for one week, which was a highlight in some respects: it allowed me to meet up for coffee with two of my closest friends and catch up with them. I miss both of them so much and it is so much harder to keep in contact with even your close friends when life is so busy and I am so lazy. Two of my friends from school also had a joint birthday picnic on my first Saturday back which was lovely but short-lived. Everyone brought food, and there was certainly an excess of strawberries which I took full advantage of, especially since they were chocolate covered. Annoyingly, I had just come back from a work trip to a conference two days before and had had a busy day on Good Friday (which was the day before) and was almost too shattered to really make the most of the fact that all of my friends were in one place as used to be so often the case. I just felt a bit overwhelmed and for this reason was part of a small party that went home early. Nevertheless, it was amazing to see that everyone was well, that everyone was enjoying the new stages in their lives and that in many ways old friendships were still going strong.

In my week off I also enjoyed the novelty of resting! I managed to read quite a few books that I had half-started before, but also less productively watched a whole season of New Girl. By the end of the week I was itching to get back to work because I felt so lazy. Since returning to London town I have enjoyed my first trip to Five Guys for my housemates birthday and made more than good use of their coca-cola machine as we concocted different flavours and tried to guess what was in the cup. Their chip portions are amazing (you don’t need any bigger than a regular) and you get free peanuts, too: I was sold. After this I returned to Trafalgar Square and we climbed Nelson’s column (as far as one can) and jumped onto the lions which guard it. It was a time full of ridiculous selfies and an evening well spent. I also spent the majority of the bank holiday weekend with my housemates. We went to the Southbank in the hope of free food from the excess amount of food stalls but ended up being crushed and faced with monstrous queues. Though our plan didn’t exactly work out we took the time to walk and talk as we walked along the river in the sunshine before heading off to go to One New Change at St Pauls: I had been there before but only in the dark and have to say that it is much better in the day as you aren’t greeted with a polluted skyline but a clear view of London for free! We then attempted to get some reduced fruit at Borough Market on our way home but failed. It was lovely just to take time in London walking around, appreciating the sunshine and drinking in our surroundings: too often people feel preoccupied in doing things that you don’t actually talk to who you are with or take notice of where you are.

This last weekend has been a favourite, as I met up with some friends from school who I hadn’t spoken to in ages. We sat in Camden Coffee House’s little garden round the back until it chucked it down with rain, and then in the downstairs of the coffee shop itself for hours before moving round to explore Camden. The rain scuppered our plans to go to Regent’s park and to enjoy the stalls properly (as did our lack of funds) so we dived into a Chinese restaurant where you sat on a cushion on the floor and then dangled your legs down into a hole in the floor where the table legs were. It was highly weird and when the waiters came over to take your order, you suddenly felt very small! We then got trapped in the rain (again) and decided to call out outside ramblings a day and headed off to Patisserie Valerie to eat cake and grab another coffee. This lasted another three and a half hours and it was honestly a really precious and rare time for me that I really treasure as I go into my week. It is a shame that these days are so occasional but it means that I appreciate these old friends even more and can celebrate in how their lives are evolving, changing and how they are growing as people. I didn’t get any pictures of this even though I dragged my camera around all day simply because I was enjoying their company so much. Times like that are worth not piercing with the glare of a camera lens and a pressure to smile.

3) Favourite part of your work this month?

Ah, it’s good to be back. I read a book called “Every Good Endeavour” by Tim Keller over my break and it revolutionised the way I approached the less-favourable tasks in my work such as the Monday morning cleaning, packing away deliveries etc. which can all be far too physical for a Monday morning! We also had loads of time to get out into the community and connect with lots of different people that we hadn’t seen for two weeks with us being away and having no time in the week before that. It’s a part of my work which I really value and sometimes if things are too busy in the running of the cafe we really have a limited time. I also got myself back into making coffees (how I missed getting it for free – I’m not paying £3 for that, thank you!) and perfecting my latte art. I have also been taking walks home for the last few weeks which has been a nice refreshing end to each day, especially since I have taken the opportunity to explore the posher side to where I work which is closer to the Thames and has all this amazing architecture to it, as well as cobbled streets (I do love a cobbled street). It’s a lot nicer than walking along the cycle highway!

This month has also been a more successful month for my latte art. I don't get as much time to practise as I would like so was stunned when I absent mindedly created this for myself one lunchtime!

Perks of working at a cafe: free Apple & Cinnamon cake. It is our fastest selling cake and freshly made and one of the only things the staff will willingly pay out for.

4) Least favourite part of your work this month?

Part of my work involved going to lectures and I suppose that I only realised that the amount of work is getting bigger and bigger a few days ago. We have lots of reading to do each week, coursework due and an exam to prepare for in June while we are still doing all the learning for it. It has the potential to be stressful if I don’t get on top of things soon and fitting it all around a 9-5 job which can be quite physically and emotionally draining doesn’t exactly motivate me when I could be in the lounge having a laugh with my housemates or watching a film together.

5) Hardest part of your work this month?

I think from now on it will be the lack of free time in the evenings and possibly weekends: especially when we are getting some glorious sunshine now! Also I think carrying some people’s emotional turmoil can be hard. We don’t just treat those we visit as clients who we need to find jobs for or help out on a surface level: we come alongside them as friends and get personal. It is a risk that we take so that we can share our lives with them and the most important thing in our lives: our faith in Christ. We are still struggling along with this lady who we have done so much for and who sometimes stubbornly doesn’t listen to our advice because she wants to go her own way – a way which we see doesn’t lead to the security which she desperately needs when her benefits inevitably run dry.

6) Would you kindly sum up your working month in three alliterative words/phrases?

Chuckles, chaos, chipper. Do love me some British slang. Do love me some words beginning with the sound 'ch'!

7) Weird habits developed this month?

Starting to read too many books and then, after about a week, neglecting them. I managed to finish two of them but then just starting three more within days of one another and now I find it hard to chose which one to read in the evening. I don't know why this has happened but I do know that now I don't feel like I can favour one book or another, so they will have to go on a rotation and I will have to finish them all at the same time.

8) What are you missing the most about home this month?

My sister! Her texts telling me of how she wants to squish Prince George are hilarious and I found the birthday card she gave me last year which had such witty comments inside and it made my day. I’ve had a bit of time to hang out with her but always among other family. It also makes me sad that she has just started her GCSE’s and I can’t be there for her in person, because I remember how stressed I was and how much I relied on the support of my family and even her, though she knew little of how I felt. I guess I’m now also missing my friends now I’ve ‘tasted and seen’ them (sounds weird, doesn’t it?) and the people that I was especially closest to.

9) Best housemate moment?

I feel like hanging out with my housemates that bit more this month has really lifted my mood – and not even going out with them but just those conversations on the sofa in the evening, reading our Bibles together in Potter’s Field (right by the River) and joking about funny town names or names of people in Biblical times, cooking together, eating breakfast together. It is the little things that make a big difference. I feel especially closer to another housemate than I have before this month and that is always lurvely. We also had our last house birthday yesterday and we had such a lovely evening eating, chatting, laughing in a very undignified manner (snorting and table slapping involved) and generally messing about. Many of us didn’t see one another for 3 weeks so it was good to have another big get together other than the Five Guys trip to just enjoy one another’s company.

10) Discoveries this month?

I finally bought the Of Monsters and Men album (it was £2!) and it is excellent and perfectly smooth and uplifting for walking home as the sun sets. Gosh, my life is a cliché at the moment! Also discovered are: agirlcalledjack.com (amazing cheap recipes, all costed out – how did I cook on budget before?); Five Guys; my lack of ability to read one book at a time (currently reading 3); soya milk; Camden Coffee house; Camden Market; the wonders of soundcloud.

... and on the note of Soundcloud, here is a song I have been loving. I have generally been loving listening to instrumentals since working at a cafe full of artist hipsters who play the most amazing remixes. This one I found all by myself and contains few lyrics but it just makes me feel hugely chilled out, like I want to pull up a deckchair and sit in the sun. Alas!

How has your month been? Hope you've had some amazing moments of friendship, too.

-Antonia

Looking Up

Spending my evening flitting between Youtube and my Facebook, I stumbled across a video shared by a friend that I thought relayed an important message for a generation where technology becomes a replacement for face-to-face interaction. This video, "Look up", has over 700,000 views on YouTube and a very interesting discussion going on in the comment section about the pros and cons of social media and the new world of technology that we are engrossed in.

Firstly, I have to give a huge applause to how the creator of this outstanding video communicated his ideas, using a moment where a human interaction lead to a whole life with a stranger imagined out but one which could have been easily snatched away by our reliance on technology. Of course, it is dramatised and we sit there and feel that it is highly unlikely that we would miss out on such a huge part of life simply by looking up directions on Google maps rather than asking a stranger, but I feel like it emphasises many of his other points. I remember a life where children weren't just plonked in front of a TV as their source of entertainment, and I regularly lament the fact that I don't go out and just explore the world as I used to as a child, with a love of the outdoors, for playgrounds and for imagination. I hugely dislike the fact that iPads in particular are being bought for children's use rather than them building a fort, picking up some drawing pencils, or creating their own games with friends which leads to crucial development. In my own adult life, I have turned to scrapbooking to escape my default actions to check my various social medias or to watch TV that I don't even enjoy simply because I haven't thought imaginatively of anything else to do.

I have experienced times where I have sat down with a friend for coffee and the conversation quickly turns to things that we saw on Twitter or Facebook rather than actually discussing things in our hearts. Worse, I have sat down with friends only for them to check those apps rather than speak to the person sitting in front of them, with the only involvement on my part being listening to things that they are reading from their feeds. The title, "Look up", is apt for this situation, and something that I often want to scream at people this happens because I feel dehumanised, replaced by a communication facade.

He also makes the point that social media is where we "show our best bits, but not our emotion", and in many ways I wholeheartedly agree. There are the odd few that are almost that bit too honest over the internet, but largely we paint pictures of ourselves that we want others to see whether we are aware of it or not. We become a person without much of a personality. Too many times I have been obsessed with recording a moment to share rather than simply experiencing it and enjoying the company of those around me, whether that be in the form of an Instagram, a tweet or a Snapchat story. I also agree that social media creates a feeling of loneliness: how many people sit on Facebook for hours, with many people online chatting, just not to them? Even then, the chats are full of distractions from the six other tabs open in your computer as you shop for a new pair of shoes, look up a holiday, scroll through twitter or a news website (or even write this blog...). You are rarely given full attention and with delayed replies and the inability to read someone's face or tone of voice miscommunication is frequent and conversations can trail off with no official ending.

However, I also see the benefits of it. Twice I have done a 48 hour blackout from technology: my social media, my phone, my laptop. I also didn't speak for those 48 hours, so this 21st century fast was probably one of those most isolated I have ever felt because I had very few ways to communicate, and in that time I longed for just one conversation over text which could quell that loneliness. I have seen the rise of vlogging and the amount of people who find community in comments sections of blogs and weird corners of the internet. I just wonder if this community comes at the expense of friendship which involves eye contact and real 'lol' moments rather than the constant sound of typing on a keyboard and emoticons replacing any form of body language.

Something that I know I need to do is to communicate more, especially at a time where all the friends I have had for years are scattered across the country: this just made me realise the value in doing it face-to-face, to look up and make time and not use technology as an excuse to be lazy with the friendships that I have.

What are your thoughts?

-Antonia

Collecting memories

The most popular blogpost that I have done since September is by far the one showing you the results of my Summer Scrapbook, and so as I started to collect all my memories from my time in London (this blog included), I decided that it would be a fun project to document that process. I wanted this scrapbook to have a different feel to the one about summer. I feel like that scrapbook, with all it's girlyness and pastels was almost an ode to the bliss of summer which isn't really a reality. It is full of exciting trips and events and picnics but nothing about the grind of life. It was also my last summer after school and I had no idea what I was getting myself into this year or how I would mature so much, so fast. This scrapbook about my time in London intends to be slightly more documentary, a little darker in tone generally, and less frilly altogether to leave that teenager firmly behind me.

It took a lot of time to discover what kind of scrapbook I wanted. I looked on A Beautiful Mess and coveted their eco-scrapbooks, chipboard and all the rest. I used many blogs and scoured bloglovin' for people who had shared their scrapbooks for inspiration and tips on how to start. I went to an exhibition at the ICA in London which had a room with a few artists' scrapbooks in, too. For some reason, it was harder the second time around! However, it was worth it, and I have to say that this scrapbook is a lot more planned that before. One thing I didn't need to learn, however, was to hoarde the most random things. For years, I have kept all sorts of cards and letters and eventually had little use for them: this year was different! All those cards wishing me well? They have the most wonderful messages which are being pasted in next to images of London that I took in the first few months, or they will be pinned to a surface by a paperclip so that I can still keep each page looking neat and balanced. Even birthday cards from October that contained the blandest of well-wishes were useful. Some had coloured pages or prints that I could use as a mount to frame some of my photographs, some simply had amazing cover designs which I could cut up or just use as cute quotes to sit alongside some of my favourite pictures.

One thing I did learn was to plan my pages. This is something I did not do before at all, but this time I got my blu tac ready and once I had collected and sorted my initial pictures of my first few months, I started to pin down how I wanted them to be presented, and then found bits of cards, letters etc. that would fit neatly alongside them. For some reason the printing company I used but a black border around every picture which I had to cut out and then... I went a little crazy and cut some of my pictures into interesting shapes. This meant that the layout itself had to be pretty simple for some pages.

I also tried to group some photographs by theme. The page below all has blurred elements to the photographs and are some of my favourites of London. I have put a white piece of paper with the words "London is a blur to me" to give this page some cohesion, as well as it being a reflection of my feelings at the time and a homage to a blog post that I made on these photographs. I later added a bit of paper reminding me to actually write up an except from that blog post in that blank space. I am trying to create a way of tying in photographs which distinct memories and feelings and hopefully this starts the process of doing that!

I haven't planned what kind if backgrounds I want to use yet. I have some old wrapping paper from christmas (yep, I'm that kind of hoarder!) as well as some paper bags from shops that I plan to rip/ use as a mount for framing. You can see in the picture about that I found a gold patch on the back of a card and have used that to mount a photograph, too. I want to try and 'find' as much as I can: not only to save money, but to try and make this project which uses up so much paper a little bit more ethical! I have only planned the first few pages but in my break hope to do a lot more (including ordering another term's worth of photographs!)

Do you have any scrapbooking tips?

-Antonia

Giving

Recently I have been struck by the power of giving. In the work that I am doing, a lady who faces debt and has next to nothing was intent on showing us hospitality, on making us a meal to show her thanks for our friendship to her, the way we have cared and looked out for her. The urge to give was greater to her than her economic need. Some might call that foolish, and we did spend a lot of time trying to dissuade her until she became offended that we didn't want to come. Culturally, our rejection of that gift was also a rejection of her friendship, even though it was with the best intentions.

As I pondered this, I realised that if I were in the same situation, I would not have been inclined to think the same way. I probably would have spiralled into self-pity and expected others to help me. I certainly wouldn't have gone out of my way to give to someone if I barely had money to keep myself financially stable. Indeed, I am not in that situation at all and yet I fail to give as much as I can. It was when I realised this that I remembered that I hadn't given blood in six months and within the next two weeks booked to give blood.

The only time that I could do so was on a Monday afternoon in a mobile vehicle in the Asda car park on the Old Kent Road. I was more used to a comfy bed in a church hall, but this was a cramped caravan which rocked every time someone got on and off the vehicle, meaning that the needle moved inside my vein. It was probably the least pleasant blood-giving experience I have had, and it took about three hours including travelling there and back on the bus, standing in line for the blood test, waiting for a bed to be free, for my blood to be taken, and for me to finish my packet of crisps to make sure I didn't faint as the woman before me had. Even as I vowed to myself that I would never do that again, I still realised that the time I had put it and the blood I have given (especially as an O- blood type) would be valuable in saving someone's life. I quickly remembered that the point of giving, whether it be your time, your money, your blood, your energy, your listening, is never so that you can get something out of it, or have a nice experience, or experience that lovely feeling. Sometimes that feeling doesn't really come! The point of giving is to do it with joy in spite of whether you benefit from it or now, knowing that it serving another human. To an extent, giving is sacrificial at heart, but it is no worthy sacrifice if done begrudgingly.

I know that the thing I am worst at giving is my time. I hate wasting time if I feel like I could have done something productive, and even more so if it costs me money while I was doing it. Yesterday, I had to push all these instincts to one side. I walked for half of my journey to meet a friend to avoid a bus fare, leaving ridiculously early in the morning to do so. I ended up staying with her for a lot longer than I intended, which scuppered all my carefully timetabled travels. I then spent over an hour on public transport crossing from Zone 5 to Zone 1 (which in London is expensive!) in order to pick up a gift for someone and repay someone some money. It wasn't necessary to have done it that week, but I felt compelled in my responsibility to give and to show love and care to those people; I simply had to do it. When I arrived, I couldn't find the gift. I thought that all my careful planning and worrying was in vain. After about 45 minutes, it was retrieved. It took me an hour and a half to get home on public transport. I had been out for 9 hours by the time I got back and had 'achieved' very little in that time. On the surface, it was a wasted day. But I knew in those hours of travelling, walking to avoid fares, worrying over everything that I was doing it not for myself but for the sake of others.

I wasn't, however, much in the mood to make my family dinner, so I still have a lot of work to do!

How do you like to show the power of giving to others in your life?

-Antonia

Seven Month Review // March - April

It is that time of the month where I ramble onto my self in a very indulgent and reflective manner about how I have spent my month! This has been a month where I have really started to feel comfortable in London, stopped pining for change and accepted my future plans. As I was chatting with a friend just yesterday I realised how much I have learnt over our time out of the security of a school environment and routine. We reminisced together about how our families have started to use our rooms as a dumping ground, how it feels weird being cooked for and cleaned after when we return home, and came to the realisation that we have moved on into adulthood and independence. We also shared our frustration at the fact that whenever we are home, we're not only stripped of our independence but literally cannot go out due to the expense of travel which we used to enjoy freely and for free with school oyster card systems. I went home twice this month and both times felt a joy at seeing my family but at the same time a sense of moving straight back into my past life and my past habits, becoming a relic of myself. It's a stage transition which I'm sure will continue to get weirder when I head off to Durham next year and only return home after 9 week terms!

Now that nonsensical ramble has ceased, on with the questions!

1) Weirdest thing you have seen in London this month?
I went to an exhibition at the ICA last week and walked into a film piece that literally blew my mind with its oddity. It was twenty minutes long and I didn’t stay for all of it because I was too preoccupied with how strange it was. I can’t even explain what it was like apart from the fact that it was based around a water theme and sometimes had random hashtags appear on the screen such as #supersurge and #swimjacobswim in all the most horrendous fonts you could think of. I kid you not.

2) Particular highlights of this month?

 Seeing a little more of my friends than usual. With them all returning back from University for their month long holidays (I’m jealous) it has been easier for me to see them, although still not as much as I would like. This month I have..

• Collected a free breakfast from various stalls at Borough Market early on a Saturday morning. There were muesli and granola testers, honey-covered pecans, Turkish delight, hot spiced chai tea and lots of bread and cheese! I ate so much that I almost couldn’t have fit lunch in (but we totally did). This day was topped off with a walk back to my place and chilling in my room drinking cups of tea. Most of my friends want to run rampage around London whenever they visit but this is was a local treat for me and a better way of catching up than running around everywhere trying to find things to do.
• Saw Once the Musical with a friend and was seriously mindblown about how much as cast of twelve people can achieve in terms of atmosphere and dance routines all while holding and playing instruments. The tube ads really do them justice! (for once)
• Helped my housemates run a quiz night for their trips to Ghana and Romania. And my team came joint-second!
• Climbed Monument, ate THE most delicious meal at Banana Tree and visited galleries into the night with Hope. It was a lovely treat after lecture days and one where I felt I was cultured as well as spending time with a fabulous friend.

I also went home for Mother’s day weekend and I have to say that I ate far too much food and was generally spoilt by my Mum when it should have been the other way round. It was great to see family again and take that time out of London and have a peaceful night’s sleep.

A wonderful salad from Borough Market! 

Snapping from Monument (far too many pictures to be included for this blog - this picture is courtesy of best bud, Hope!)

Quiz Night run by my housemates - it got even more packed than this and despite a debacle about a lack of rice for the curry, it was a smooth and hilarious evening!

3) Favourite part of your work this month?

Most definitely the event that we held on Saturday, and the fact that I managed to organise a huge part of it. As in November, the cafe held a Makers Market, but this time without all the Christmassy additions, just some Hot Cross Buns to remind us of the Easter story. I had a far more relaxed day than at Christmas chatting to all the people who I had been e-mailing since January getting organised and even managed to buy some treats for my friends. It was a day that I thoroughly enjoyed because it had a real sense of community engagement, with one woman commenting that “you just don’t find people round here like you do in this place”. There have been a few discouragements this month and things that I have taken too much to heart, but this was a day which was full of encouragement, although it was exhausting!

An example of some of the work sold at the Market I organised. This was one of my favourite stalls - everything looked Topshop but was all made ethically, by hand, and was incredibly unique! And it wasn't any more expensive, either..

4) Least favourite part of your work this month?

I can’t think of anything that I have actively disliked about my work this month apart from the fact that last week it was very difficult to get out into the community as we normally do due to a lot of things being thrown our way. But such is life.

5) Hardest part of your work this month?

Last month I opened up about being stuck in a rut of negative thoughts and I have to say  this continued for a while into this month and was combined with a lot of people who we work with suddenly becoming difficult or being taken into desperate situations. One lady in particular has, after us taking her to multiple advice centres and acting on her behalf to sort out her benefits and possible debt, decided to go her own way and reject this advice, and in turn has become difficult and thinks that we have offended her. It is hard to love difficult people, especially those who seem to slam doors in your face. In some ways, you feel manipulated: you've spent time eating with them, chatting to them, giving them your time and energy, all for them to decide that they didn’t need you. We are trusting in wisdom from above to deal with these hard times and to give us hearts that love the act of mercy so much that it flows from us abundantly and freely.


6) Would you kindly sum up your working month in three alliterative words/phrases?

Chuckles, challenges, cheerio! (British slang giving one a hearty goodbye. My manager transferred this month and all our housemates abandoned us!)

7) Weird habits developed this month?
I have found myself to be more of a freebie hunter than I thought. As I look back, I see myself leaping at any chance of a free meal that I could get over the past few months, such as in Borough Market, but this last week sent me into overdrive. Our freezers are being defrosted this week and the majority of my housemates are away, so that means leftovers! So far we have made a huge cottage pie, sausage casserole, pie and chips, nuggets and chips, chicken tikka masala and there is still more leftovers to use! I worry how we will eat it all (but I won’t say no to two dinners!)

8) What are you missing the most about home this month?
My sister! Her texts telling me of how she wants to squish Prince George are hilarious and I found the birthday card she gave me last year which had such witty comments inside and it made my day. I’ve had a bit of time to hang out with her but always among other family. Looking forward to spending more time together when I get my week off!

9) Best housemate moment?
These get more and more each month as our house grows closer and closer. We are starting to feel like a little broken family. This week there is only two of us not on our Easter break and you notice the difference: when I come down for breakfast I expect to see one person and they’re not there etc. We also happen to be the two maddest housemates and on Sunday night cry-laughed playing chess. The best moment of all, I would say, is celebrating a birthday in our living room with Chinese takeout playing Articulate (and the next days windy aftermath...)

A very blurry and bad quality picture, but one that somes up some of the hilarious and inspiring people I live with. It's pretty rare that we are all in the same room together for a whole evening dedicated to giggles and fun, so this was a picture I couldn't leave out!

10) Discoveries this month?
Granola, Rend Collective – The Art of Celebration (on repeat), Banana Tree restaurant,  Blackfriars station at sunset, Once the Musical, Chipotle, my love of freebies.

What are things that you have discovered this month? Let me know so we can discover together!

Hope you all had challenging and rewarding months,


-Antonia

VlogMash Vol.1

One thing that I won’t readily admit to people is that I have a small addiction to watching Youtube. Many people who are not part of that community (which, to my shame, mainly consists of 13-17 year old crazy pubescent fangirls) think that this involves watching viral videos, laughing at people falling over and the like. But actually, my Youtube habit has become so frequent that it has replaced the amount of TV I use in many respects and has broadened my appreciation of many new different types of mediums such as short film. The kind of youtubers I watch vary from sketch comedians, daily vloggers, filmmakers and the general ‘vloggers’. 

While many of the videos I watch are purely for entertainment, some of the Youtube community use their influence in amazing ways. Recently, a channel called JacksGap (a channel which was started by this lad called Jack to document his gap year, who was later joined by his twin brother, Finn) moved from making videos trying to get Americans to guess what British slang meant, to stylishly documenting in four installations the Rickshaw Run across India he, his brother, fellow Youtubers and friends did in Autumn 2013. Together, they raised a six-figure sum for Teenage Cancer Trust. Many Youtubers have also made videos talking about their issues with depression, anxiety and the like, and by doing so have helped many to feel less alone if they are struggling with these issues. They have in many ways become celebrities, especially those who have embedded themselves into so-called ‘old media’ alongside their channels, such as and men behind the channels ‘danisnotonfire’ and ‘AmazingPhil’, who have become DJ’s on Radio One on Sunday evenings (and even won an award for it!). In other words, the world of Youtube has become pretty impressive and there are ordinary people who, through their own hard work, have created jobs for themselves in a way which no other generation has.

To celebrate this, and indulge in my own obsession a little, I have decided to include a few of my favourite videos in occasional posts under a few titles. This first post will have a range of videos probably made over the last year and really are videos that have stood out among the thousands that I have probably watched.

1) The One that made me cry with laughter

Yep, this is the ‘AmazingPhil’ that I mentioned earlier. This is one of the videos that I have honestly watched multiple times and I never fail to crack up at this poor man’s desperate past, the atrocious grammar (which I have to admit that I used) and the way that people of such a young age used to use the word ‘hun’ or ‘babe’. I used those words more when I was 10 or 11 than I ever did as a teenager or young adult. There are two more videos of similar comedy gold and I genuinely find Phil a hugely endearing character who I can't help but watch.

2) The Role Model

Louise, known as SprinkleofGlitter on Youtube, is very much a role model to many. She is a person who in past vlogs has told a beautiful story of how she came to faith in Christianity through an Alpha course and this faith shines through in her personality, the way she treats others so visually online, and videos such as this which I believe are hugely important. I do believe that this video even got onto the news and I remember avidly sharing it around for awareness of many who I have known that have hurt themselves. I am glad that her well-rounded videos and positivity is entering the lives of such a young audience, as well as these important issues. She is also not afraid to admit her moments of completely tomfoolery (see one of her most recent videos about having a breakdown after meeting Kylie Minogue) and it is for her normality and humility that I continue to watch her.

3) The Short Film

Ah, KickthePJ. I could literally have given you any of his short films. They are full of vivid colour, crazy imagination and are generally barmy. His films are generally extremely entertaining, humorous and yet incredibly well done and presented. Many of them also include a rather swish voiceover. Even his vlogs and the way which he puts his take on the ever-growing ‘tag’ trend on Youtube -which has become so incredibly boring unless done creatively- makes him completely unique on the Youtube scene. I mean, who does a tour of their toilet (known, quite seriously, as the “Toilet Tag”) and makes it engaging and even fascinating?  

4) The Inspiration

This one makes me angry as well as hugely inspired simply because this is the work of 16-year old Bertie Gilbert who decided to drop out of schooling post-GCSE’s to concentrate on honing his love for film. His shorts are interesting and are clearly influenced by Wes Anderson in many ways, and are pretty refreshing to watch compared to the formulaic blockbusters that are thrown in the faces of the gullible public every year. This video is more of an experimental video and doesn’t, by Bertie Gilbert’s own admission, have a particularly meaning or story. The fact that these moments were just edited together in some kind of homage to old movies and this forgotten state of Britain, yet was published on this hugely progressive media and interpreted by thousands in the comment section, is considerably clever, bold and brave.

5) The NewTuber

Oh, Aniamags. Having been subscribed to you for a year now, I have watched you grow to nearly 10,000 subscribers through your wit and general sass. Moving from videos where she used to joke about the guy she killed and analysing lyrics of popular songs -exposing many of them to be completely incomprehensible all the while- to her latter day videos talking about whatever takes her fancy. While many might see her videos as a little bratty, she has an on camera satire and presence which is pretty unique from others that I watch. Her latest videos remind me of when Youtube was a smaller community and videos did literally used to be talking to a camera without a script, amazing lighting, a fancy apartment fire in the background and perfect articulation that puts most television presenters to shame. They are authentic. And recently, she posted the above video bravely opening up, if only a little, about eating disorders. Which makes her, like, cool.

Hope you enjoyed this post! Do you have any videos or youtubers to recommend me? Any videos that have struck you, helped you or inspired you recently? Let me know in the comments!

-Antonia