London: Thoughts With No Obvious Title

One thing that I truly have regretted about this year is my lack of appreciation for the location in which I am living in this year. There are so many crevasses of London to explore and I’ve felt too tired or moody to explore them. Even in these beautiful evenings that have been falling across our skyline I’ve felt chained to the sofa with a book or a film. Last week, on the return from a stressful end to a day where I worked overtime with little breaks, I decided that a walk was what I needed and I took my camera along and turned it into a little exploration project of lots of places that were just fifteen minutes away from where I have been living.

In London, I have seen a lot of ugliness against the beautiful skylines, the engulfing transcendence of the River Thames, the fantastical mist, the movement and buzz of a tube or DLR or from the roof of a bus. I’ve seen broken people, broken youth, broken systems, broken emotions. I’ve seen modern-day poverty and my views and thoughts have been shaped and challenged. I have multiple times felt disgusted at these two opposing sides of London, conflicted in the way I deal with them and because of my heart for these people who are marginalised socially through communities or through class I have avoided what you might call ‘mainstream London’. This includes the museums where thousands of people come to visit artwork and artefacts worth hundreds or thousands or millions of pounds because when I go there. Why? Because I see this work and think of a lady who is driven to suicidal thoughts because in her disability she is rendered helpless and wonder if the money that someone will eventually buy this work for could be better invested in people, giving them a sense of hope or community that could contribute more to society. When I pay out to see theatre I think of people who can barely afford a TV licence. We berate them because all they seem to do is watch TV, but when you scratch the surface it is their loneliness which we cannot fix. That theatre ticket is their TV licence for 3-6 weeks, or their electric for 2 weeks. I am paying for an experience, they are paying for something that allows them to make food of taste and flavour which I never have to considered would not be available to me. When I buy a coffee, I see that £2-3 buying them a pint of milk, some butter, some bread, some basic tins. Worse, when I go out for a meal I see their weekly shop go down the drain in one meal and a glass of lemonade.

However, the way I have dealt with this is to shut myself off and play the pauper. I’ve been spending as frugally as if I were in their situation, shutting myself away from the culture because it makes me feel guilty that I can enjoy it and through this have started to trick myself into believing that I’m not some middle-class white girl from the suburbs. I try and make myself this hard, urban worker, scrimping and scraping when really, I am privileged. I do have the free time and the travelcard to immerse myself in London culture. I saved up all of last summer so I could enjoy all these opportunities in London, to see the beauty of it and take advantage of this opportunity. Guilt of where I came from, of my privilege, made me a recluse and judgemental of others. I don’t want to see London only with rose-tinted spectacles, but I don’t want to define the way I see London merely by the bad I see either.

As I took a walk around my local area, taking pictures of roses from the rose garden against the tower blocks in the background, seeing the Shard from behind trees, I had all these reflections and realised that God has always given us hope, beauty, reminders of his grace. I had been choosing not to see them. As I walked, talked to my housemate, and the sun set, I photographed the architecture, the cute little shop down the road, explored and found an abandoned pub, a restaurant, a coffee shop. I stepped into the warm air and saw missed opportunities because of my unnecessary frugality and self-imposed misery. I only have a few weeks left – and that is moving swiftly on. I’ve seen and recognised the broken pieces of London. I now intend to find the blessings, the grace, the community, the hope, the friendship-building, relationship-deepening meals and coffees, the galleries which increase my appreciation for creativity and variety and culture and history (stuff which God has blessed us with!). I want to squeeze out my time and make it worthwhile, all while still sharing my hearts with the broken as my day ‘job’ and serving a cracking flat white.

-Antonia