Photographing London

Although my time in London so far has been crazy hectic, which means that at the end of most days I just crumble into the sofa at the end of the day instead of really getting the most out of the London experience, I have managed to take a bit of time merely to walk around and take some pictures! It feels odd now, because I feel like I am verging on tourist territory when I feel just about settled to call myself a Londoner. I guess standing alongside PDA-ing tourist couples is necessary, however, if I am to truly capture my time here.

Interestingly, I have taken many photos of London before with my art group, always wanting them to be perfectly composed and in perfect focus. As I look back at the photos I have taken over the last few weeks, I realise that the majority are blurry: in part to avoid having to stand alongside those PDA-ing couples and taking photos as I walk, but mostly because London really is a blurry city. It moves so quickly that you barely have a chance to catch a breath, and people come and go as quickly as I can whack out a good soup onto the table at Departure (ie. with great speed!). Getting a good photo of London, it seems, always means some annoying tourist sticking their hand in the way, or a commuter walking speedily past. Truly representing London is actually having imperfect photographs, because no one who lives in London much cares for tourists (I bombarge into many a tourist photo a day simply because if I stopped for everybody taking a picture of themselves on Tower Bridge as I walked past it would take twice as long to get to work), or indeed, for eachother, because who can trust a stranger?

Make of these what you will:

Hope you like this tiny selection of the blurriest, but perhaps most interesting, shots of the London Bridge area that I have!

-Antonia

1 Month Review // September - October

So I was thinking about the subject of this next post, and there didn't seem to be much else to write of much consequence, except a full review of the last month. It seems that a lot of what I wrote last is still applicable, and I still feel like a newbie even though I have had a week of induction and four weeks of my placement. Alas, I still don't know how to fully work the espresso machine with confidence, though it turns out I am pretty good at basic latte art!

I think I might set myself some questions to answer around the 9th of each month, since that was when I moved to the centre of this crazy city. I suppose they can be added to as time goes on and these no longer suffice.

1) The weirdest thing you have seen in London this month?
My flatmates and I have slowly been making a list of weird things we have seen. On my first or second week, I most certainly would have said the appearance of what I can only be described as a sort of travelling table? Basically, as I wandered along Tooley Street on my way back from my Tesco shop, I saw 8 people sitting on the two longest sides of a table in the middle of the road. The stools they were sitting on had pedals attached to where you would normally place your feet, and they used these to cycle along the road. It looked like it was some sort of party, as they had bottles and cake on the table and seemed to be having a jolly time, even when cars were beeping at them! However, I have since seen these along the same road many times, and also in the centre of London while on a bus, where the travelling table was blocking up all of the traffic, having come to a standstill at a traffic light. My real answer to this question is what I saw last week: a lady with a bright pink baby buggy, where her dog was sitting, just pushing it over Tower Bridge. I think she misunderstood the meaning of 'walking the dog'.

2) Particular highlights of the month?
In a broad sense, I would just say the variety that my weeks have had - from cooking in the kitchens, deep chats with those at work and at the hostel, working at the counter and having jokes with the customers, and the deep interest I have in my Bible and History lectures. To pick out a few events I would have to go with the following:

• Being one of the lead vocalists at the London City Mission Thanksgiving Service held at All Souls, Langham Place. On the first week, I was asked if I could sing. I said yes, and was promptly eschewed into singing in front of 600 people 5 days later. It was the first time I had ever been involved in leading worship for anyone, let alone that many people in such a spectacular venue (pictures below!) To top it off, the whole thing was filmed and recorded, so I can really treasure that memory. The whole event was really interesting too, and really helped me to feel a proper part of the LCM family and settle in as quickly as I did.
• The staff at Departure Cafe playing the piano which is in the centre of the Cafe and singing a roaring rendition of 'Happy Birthday' (complete with cake) to me in front of all the customers as I was clearing tables. It was both hugely embarrassing and hugely flattering at the same time. I still feel very much the annoying newbie, so to receive such warmth from them was charming.
• Learning the amazing providence of God. I know I said that this blog would not get deeply spiritual, but I think this is extremely important. Yes, London is beautiful and I have very much enjoyed living here, but it is the fruit of my work here which gets me most excited, both for myself and others. So let me tell you a story... In July, I received my acceptance letter from the London City Mission with a mixture of excitement and trepedation. How was I supposed to get £4000 between then and September, not least because I am going away on a three week long mission in a week? "I have no time to get a job!" "What can I sell to get money?" "How frugal can I be this summer to save more?" Instantly, it was all about what I could do to earn the money. I figured out a way to pay around half the money myself, including refusing to go out with friends, or spend too much when I did, and using money that I had put away in savings. I was told early on that my church would give me some money, and by mid-August, I had a plan for about 3/4 of the money I needed. By the time I left, I had it all - slowly, people at my church had individually approached me with crazy sums of money (some gave up to £100 each!), or anonymously gave some through the offering. I thanked God for his goodness to me and was satisfied. But, being a God who always exceeds my expectations, the money kept coming. Nearly every week, amounts between £200-£500 has rolled in from the church offering. Two weeks ago, there was one anonymous cheque for £400! My church, amazingly, have nearly funded the whole lot. All my frugality was not necessary, although sensible. I really did have no need to worry, and my parents haven't paid a penny but for my train tickets to and from their house, as well as saving money on the food shop. Dad couldn't be more delighted. Now I'm praying for the money to stop, or I will have extra money and not a clue what to do with it!

Now, lets wipe the tears from the keyboard and onto the next question, shall we? No more ranting allowed, Antonia!

All Souls, during rehearsals for the Thanksgiving service. It is a truly stunning building inside! Below is a picture of their organ, thankfully not used. Being that size I'm sure it would have drowned us out.

3) Favourite part of your work this month?

To be honest, I am even finding joy in cleaning the toilets so far, (I know, I know...) but without a shadow of a doubt it would have to be visiting people in the community, both by doing door-to-door advertising of the cafe and checking in on people we already know. I have had the privilege of being party to some incredible hospitality: women who didn't know me invited me into their homes, gave me tea and samosas (even when I insisted that I wasn't hungry!), and chatted happily to me about their lives without inhibition. I think we British can learn a lot from that, we are far too quick to suspect. Many people have large families and when visiting an elder lady, their granddaughters have often come in and been really interested in what on earth I am doing a gap year which involved spending time drinking tea with them rather than going travelling. I have only met one grandson, and then, when hearing that our ages were the same, the grandma tried to get us to marry, which was a pretty awkward moment on both sides. 

View from the 8th floor of a a section of the estate that I am working with at the moment. If you faced the other way, you could see the Olympic village!

4) Least favourite part of your work this month?

Everything is slow. I still don't know how to do everything in the cafe, and all these small practicalities can really wind me up. Sometimes I feel intimidated by the other staff, who always know what they are doing, and I get embarrassed when someone catches me standing there looking gormless! This month I have also had trouble remembering things, so one day I will be taught the exact time to microwave the nachos for, or the temperature that the soup has to be heated to, and the next (and the next...) I will forget. I have been shown how to froth milk using the espresso machine about 5 times now and still get in a flap when I try. It has lowered my confidence a little and means that I just avoid doing things I can't remember how to do. I'm slowly getting over my fear of nagging people with questions, though!

5) Hardest part of this month?

I would have said the above had it not been for the countless times I have had to hold back tears in the presence of people I have never met before. As I have said, people are really hospitable and chat to you openly, but this means that they disclose to you personal things. When you are carrying your own worries, fears, insecurities (and in my case, frantically obsessing over how unclean the hob is), this sometimes all accumulates and I feel myself welling up. One lady in a care home was telling us how helpless she felt, how she couldn't be bothered to call any of her family, how she struggled to sleep, and was struggling to make friends in the home because all the women had mental disorders and couldn't understand her. This alone got me going, then she added how she had recently lost her home, was abused by her husband, and that 2 people she really cared about passed away this year. There were many people that we met who were going through real struggles. In addition, there is also opportunities to tell my story, and my struggle with anger management and counselling. Bringing back those memories without the joking that I can share with close friends always makes me cry, but in front of a stranger it's not appropriate to break down. They also have to feel like they are not going to burden you and therefore, won't tell you anything if they spot that you can't handle it. I am getting more used to it, especially as I get to lift these problems up off my shoulders in prayer to God.

6) Would you kindly sum your working month up in three alliterating words?

Exhilarating, exhausting, emotional.

The view from the moment I step out onto my front door. People don't believe me when I say I live "to minutes from Tower Bridge", but there is is. There is also a very noisy pub which keeps me awake at night. Last night, I was treated to a drunken rendition of  "Walking in the air" which was surprisingly tuneful.

7) Weird habits developed in this month?
I have become a huge fan of cleaning. I was on the cleaning rota for the hostel this week and instead of doing the few duties we had, thought that Saturday afternoon would be a fantastic time to clean the kitchen: the hob, floors, sink, washing up bowl, tiles, cupboard doors, microwave and so on... The only thing I couldn't face was the oven. I think working in a cafe and cleaning for at least an hour as part of my day has really engrained it in my life. On the food side of things, anything with mint in is good. I consume peppermint tea at least 3 times daily, and at least 4 After Eights (they were going cheap in Tesco, alright?). I'm counting on the fact that all the time I do standing up and running around means that this doesn't matter one bit.

8) What are you missing the most about home this month?
Cooking for four! It's really reallllyyyyy annoying cooking and shopping for one because I always overbuy on the vegetables and then have to have the same meals over and over again. Anything like lasagne is really awkward and a very long process to make just for one person, and as the house have decided to cook individually due to our varying schedules (to the point where I went for 4 days without seeing one of my housemates at all!) and varying budgets, it doesn't seem worth it to make a batch unless you are a huge fan of bolognese. This also means no Saturday curry, no Sunday pie, no Monday roast!
More importantly, though, I miss my sister (aw). We used to moan to each other in the evenings, cook lunch together on weekends, watch telly together, and we became pretty close over the last year. In her birthday card to me, she wrote "You are now 19 which means it is time to lay off the heavy drinking and smoking", which had me in stitches! If you don't know me too well, I don't do either at all.

A pretty low-fi quality photo, but one where my sister is actually smiling! Taken about 5 days before I left for the London life.

I think that is about enough! If you have any question suggestions, let me know: perhaps 'Song of the month' 'Laugh of the month'? I wasn't sure how much of the menial things in my life you would really want to know. Perhaps you can answer some of those below, if you too have just left home, for Uni and whatnot...

-Antonia

P.S. If you enjoy these ramblings, my twitter might be of interest...

Pondering London.

If I were to sum up my London experience so far, the word I (and I'm sure those completing the gap year with me) would chose is 'exhausting'. This is apt - I am currently sitting in a well of tissues and mugs that were once full of Beechams, Lemsip, or hot squash. Just over two weeks into the real experience of what it is like to work full-time, and my immune system has crashed. Not that this is any excuse anymore - London has an atmosphere of rushing, of buzz, to take a day off as I have today almost feels criminal in such a vibrant and enthusiastic city. I feel properly inaugurated now I grumble as I have to weave between slow walking tourists on Tower Bridge, especially the large groups of Asians (I don't want to be asked to take their picture when I could be eating food, thank you very much!).

I have, however, needed a rest. Working 9-6 instead of 9-5, including my decision to embark on a forty minute walk to work in a job where the only time you have to sit down is a lunch break has been a complete killer. Add to that being put on the rota last week which involved 8 hours of kitchen work, sweating over washing up, which although having cleared my pores from all the steam, also made me very lightheaded. Oh, plus a throbbing headache that slowly impressed itself until its unbearable peak at 4 o' clock, by which time no brownies were left to console me. Last Saturday, I was sent on a training course, and on Monday I completed a food health and hygiene course, worth 2 NVQs (yay for qualifications!). At the end of each day, I hop onto my laptop only to face incredibly slow broadband which by the time facebook loads, only shows me pictures of my school friends on their university adventures, with new friends around them, paint on their faces, and not one sorrowful face in sight. I can't help but feel, for a second, that life suddenly got very unfair for me. They get a loan to party while I live off donations and are too ill to go to the cinema on the money I have saved (hence why I am writing this now - all of my housemates are at the cinema). Of course, that is not the case. But hey, vulnerable 18 year-old uses this as an acceptable excuse to dive into two Twix bars anyway in spite of all the walking and vegetables bought to keep herself fit.

In spite of all this work and emotional craziness that being thrust into an organisation where I feel so inexperienced, uncomfortable, less than confident, but yet absolutely welcome has sent me, and the pain in my feet, I have still managed to take a few opportunties to walk around the glorious London. As I am starting to detest the tube - the magical qualities of it have long gone once you have experienced the tube with commuters and the sweat that comes with them - walking has become my preferred option during peak times. While it has lead me, at night, to see some beautiful landscapes filled with light, the juxtaposition of modern and old architecture standing side by side, the scenes by day are usually pretty bleak. Aside from a few days of sunshine in the mornings, London can look as grey as the history books make it sound. I am undecided as to whether the ongoing presence of cranes is irritating to my photographer's instinct, or quite beautiful in their constancy, almost adding in some respects a trickle of excitement and hope to the dull grey filter of clouds and buildings and bridges and the dirty Thames. They, also, reflect the fast-pace of London which pervades from every step of the commuter, and are a reminder of how while there are monuments to herald and remind us of the past, they do not make or contribute to the future. 

 If you are still with me, great! Sorry if I confused you. This is the kind of thing that I ponder over in all this thinking space I have! Now, to fully complete my update, I must reveal to you all why working at this cafe, or Community Arts Outreach Centre (if I wanted to sound pretentious), is worth all this illness and exhaustion. Some might say that whatever job you did, unpaid or overworked, would be all worth it if you got to live in the 'great metropolis'. I heartily disagree. If it weren't for the joy of working in a cafe where I am continually discovering new nooks and crannies, new food, new personalities, new art, and the colourful display of people that I meet everyday, as well as embedding myself with so many cultures and becoming more aware of life outside middle-class suburbs through my door-to-door work, on top of the absolutely charming people I work with, London would be far behind and I would be snuggling in bedsheets that weren't of the hideous brown variety that the hostel have provided me.

Is that good enough?

On my first full day, I had this gorgeous pea and mint soup with rosemary speciality bread. My tastebuds were exploding with joy, and my eyes were excited that the table I sat on was so beautiful, too!

I am surrounded by books and antique teapots, musical instruments, a vinyl player with three boxes full of vinyls from the sixties to the eighties, Singer sewing machines and a piano.

So yes, I am not with all my friends. I am exhausted. But I am making new friends, drawing new strength from the buzz of freedom and taking in the breathless city that is London, which gives me so much to think on and wonder. And below is what I see everyday, walk over twice, and cease to be amazed at.

-Antonia

Impressions of Independence.

Nothing sums up my first week better than a comment my housemate (though we are technically living in a hostel, but 'hostelmate' doesn't QUITE sound the same, does it?) made a few days into our induction week: "I wonder when this will start to feel less like a school trip". Since then, it feels like I have progressed to the stage of "Isn't this week of work experience just lovely, I wish I could stay". It hasn't quite sunk in that my weekly lectures start tomorrow, I have a full time occupation, I am one of those speedwalking, headphone-wearing commuters, and that I am indeed a missionary.

Last week was a day where we were pretty much pampered by the Mission team, with M&S platters being delivered to us every lunchtime, although they were the highlight in days that were full of fire training, risk assessment, and precautions against blood-borne diseases. By the time Friday rolled around, and we had spent the morning become more and more subdued while studying ways to spot possible child abuse and neglect, our previous reservations about taking too much cake to avoid bloating were gone in a flurry of comfort eating. We returned from those days quite tired - learning so many names of everybody in HQ, trying to find the toilets in what is a glorified, well-lit, rabbit warren, and spending all days bathed in the bore of necessary training while trying desperately to take it all in within the confines of the same four walls was draining to say the least. However, it is nothing compared to the tiredness which I feel after only three days actually on full-time placement. We woe-d last week over how tiring sitting down all day was, but today, I can barely feel my legs from the lack of sitting down I have done over the last three days. I work a 9-6 shift, and while I thankfully have a quick commute (beautiful view of the Shard and the Tower of London in the morning sunshine/evening mist included), it's not exactly rolling out of the hostel at 9am and straight into HQ, conveniently located next door, and then back again at 4 for some chatting, reading and leisure time.

Last week, they told us that it would be impossible not to bring our work home with us. I brushed it off, thinking that 9 hours of door-to-door, home visits, and washing up would be enough for me, thank you very much. Cue be being up until midnight last night washing up all the dishes and reflecting over every single person I had met as well as the tragic stories of the homeless and street workers which my housemate has been bombarded in her work at Webber street,  plus a long list of domestic things that needed to be done before work the next morning, as well as a fright of spotting a mouse in the kitchen.

WELCOME TO INDEPENDENCE! 
Warning: it is so much harder than A-Levels.

-Antonia

The Big Year.

So, this is the year that I go out into the so-called Big Wide World, leaving behind the routine of school and half-terms and those intimate friends and quirks of my family. Leaving behind a church which I have grown up in containing people who are a family of sorts, who have let me into their lives and inspired me to serve others and love others through their love for Christ which we share. Moving to London to continue serving full-time, unpaid, and learning lots (hopefully). Some people think I'm crazy - they don't understand why I would want to work so hard and pay for the privilege.

Let me explain. Firstly, starting with why I am taking a year out of the education system. Aside from feeling like that it was a calling in my Christian life, I felt like the education system boxed me up and pressured me in ways which I found difficult to handle. In spite of A-levels having more independence and free learning, I very rarely found this on my courses aside from English Literature A2 Coursework, where I got to read around and cite other sources and explore a small area of deep interest to me. Yet, even that was confined to a mark scheme (which I ignored, ended up writing well over 3,000 words, and having to spend tedious hours cutting down to 2,200). This was a trait of the whole of school. Exams were a test of how well you could structure yourself to a specification that would make it easy for marking purposes, rather than a time where you could develop a flair for writing essays. I found it difficult to adapt myself (and my handwriting) to such mark schemes. Looking back, some of these specifications did help me in my essay writing, but in the end, I felt like essays and exams were a game to be played rather than a true test of how hard you have studied. Now, I know that University is more than this, but at the core of this was the problem that I was starting to base my worth on the results of this game

. I always compared myself to others and tried to be as good as them. By the end of sixth form, I was just ready to get out! Taking a year out, to me, is a time to be independent of tested learning, the stress of exams, and to explore a different passion from learning within my fields of interest, and that is my passion for people, the joy I have found in serving people, and a hunger to learn more about my faith and the God I serve.

Lavender with a fancy edit - thought it might spruce up this rather long and perhaps narcissistic post.

Now, this blog won't be a place to really discuss my faith - I have a journal for all that - but it will be unavoidable because my faith was the ringleader of this next year, and my God will guide me through it. This decision was not from my mind, it was the leading of the Holy Spirit. And if you know me, you can ask me more about it alone sometime.

A friend running through the Lavender field this summer.

As mentioned earlier, many people don't understand what exactly I am doing this next year, so this is a place to clear things up as best I can. On Monday 9th September, I am moving to central London to work with a Christian charity called London City Mission. There, I will be undergoing what they call the 'City Vision' gap year scheme, where I shall spend my year in Urban Missionary training through a practical placement and weekly lectures (and more studying!). My placement, which I have chosen, is in a Community Arts Outreach Cafe called Departure. This is a cafe that is pretty much heaven for a hipster, or anyone who loves photography. There will be MANY photos going up on here when I have settled fully. I will be washing dishes, at the till offering a friendly smile, chatting to people as they sip tea and take advantage of the Wi-fi, explore the gallery, run evening events... and more, I guess, but I won't know until I get there. I am doing it to reach out to two opposing communities which reside in the area, who are separated by religious beliefs and culture and who would never otherwise collide. If we meet people in need, we hope to offer practical support. I will be assisting on home visits to the lonely and the struggling. People who desperately need people to show them love and care. But importantly, in the long-term, we hope to see lives changed through a knowledge of the love of Christ and their trust in him as a result. I am paying to do this because my life has been changed by the faith I have in Jesus and I simply wish to do this full-time, at least for this year. It's not exactly travelling the world or going to Africa to help the starving children, but I fully believe that 'the need is not the call', and have always felt like people in this country need help, too, but this is overlooked by many.

I have had a taste of this when working on beach missions in Wales with United Beach Missions, and those weeks have been some of the best of my life. I have also been passionate about the persecuted church for the last three or four years, and I have been working with Open Doors as a youth advocate in the last year, running my own blog encouraging others to pray and raising awareness. The lack of freedom of many in the Arab world and in places such as China, North Korea, Syria and Egypt inspires me to use mine.

I have a place at University waiting for me in October 2014 if I want it. We'll see what happens.

-Antonia

P.S For anyone interested, here is the link to the website of the cafe, and the tumblr of the cafe.