Pondering London.

If I were to sum up my London experience so far, the word I (and I'm sure those completing the gap year with me) would chose is 'exhausting'. This is apt - I am currently sitting in a well of tissues and mugs that were once full of Beechams, Lemsip, or hot squash. Just over two weeks into the real experience of what it is like to work full-time, and my immune system has crashed. Not that this is any excuse anymore - London has an atmosphere of rushing, of buzz, to take a day off as I have today almost feels criminal in such a vibrant and enthusiastic city. I feel properly inaugurated now I grumble as I have to weave between slow walking tourists on Tower Bridge, especially the large groups of Asians (I don't want to be asked to take their picture when I could be eating food, thank you very much!).

I have, however, needed a rest. Working 9-6 instead of 9-5, including my decision to embark on a forty minute walk to work in a job where the only time you have to sit down is a lunch break has been a complete killer. Add to that being put on the rota last week which involved 8 hours of kitchen work, sweating over washing up, which although having cleared my pores from all the steam, also made me very lightheaded. Oh, plus a throbbing headache that slowly impressed itself until its unbearable peak at 4 o' clock, by which time no brownies were left to console me. Last Saturday, I was sent on a training course, and on Monday I completed a food health and hygiene course, worth 2 NVQs (yay for qualifications!). At the end of each day, I hop onto my laptop only to face incredibly slow broadband which by the time facebook loads, only shows me pictures of my school friends on their university adventures, with new friends around them, paint on their faces, and not one sorrowful face in sight. I can't help but feel, for a second, that life suddenly got very unfair for me. They get a loan to party while I live off donations and are too ill to go to the cinema on the money I have saved (hence why I am writing this now - all of my housemates are at the cinema). Of course, that is not the case. But hey, vulnerable 18 year-old uses this as an acceptable excuse to dive into two Twix bars anyway in spite of all the walking and vegetables bought to keep herself fit.

In spite of all this work and emotional craziness that being thrust into an organisation where I feel so inexperienced, uncomfortable, less than confident, but yet absolutely welcome has sent me, and the pain in my feet, I have still managed to take a few opportunties to walk around the glorious London. As I am starting to detest the tube - the magical qualities of it have long gone once you have experienced the tube with commuters and the sweat that comes with them - walking has become my preferred option during peak times. While it has lead me, at night, to see some beautiful landscapes filled with light, the juxtaposition of modern and old architecture standing side by side, the scenes by day are usually pretty bleak. Aside from a few days of sunshine in the mornings, London can look as grey as the history books make it sound. I am undecided as to whether the ongoing presence of cranes is irritating to my photographer's instinct, or quite beautiful in their constancy, almost adding in some respects a trickle of excitement and hope to the dull grey filter of clouds and buildings and bridges and the dirty Thames. They, also, reflect the fast-pace of London which pervades from every step of the commuter, and are a reminder of how while there are monuments to herald and remind us of the past, they do not make or contribute to the future. 

 If you are still with me, great! Sorry if I confused you. This is the kind of thing that I ponder over in all this thinking space I have! Now, to fully complete my update, I must reveal to you all why working at this cafe, or Community Arts Outreach Centre (if I wanted to sound pretentious), is worth all this illness and exhaustion. Some might say that whatever job you did, unpaid or overworked, would be all worth it if you got to live in the 'great metropolis'. I heartily disagree. If it weren't for the joy of working in a cafe where I am continually discovering new nooks and crannies, new food, new personalities, new art, and the colourful display of people that I meet everyday, as well as embedding myself with so many cultures and becoming more aware of life outside middle-class suburbs through my door-to-door work, on top of the absolutely charming people I work with, London would be far behind and I would be snuggling in bedsheets that weren't of the hideous brown variety that the hostel have provided me.

Is that good enough?

On my first full day, I had this gorgeous pea and mint soup with rosemary speciality bread. My tastebuds were exploding with joy, and my eyes were excited that the table I sat on was so beautiful, too!

I am surrounded by books and antique teapots, musical instruments, a vinyl player with three boxes full of vinyls from the sixties to the eighties, Singer sewing machines and a piano.

So yes, I am not with all my friends. I am exhausted. But I am making new friends, drawing new strength from the buzz of freedom and taking in the breathless city that is London, which gives me so much to think on and wonder. And below is what I see everyday, walk over twice, and cease to be amazed at.

-Antonia