Scrapbooking Summer

While uploading pictures on facebook, twitter or instagram is a great way to share photographs and memories, I never feel like they satisfy or give such special memories the attention they deserve. Sure, for the half an hour you flick through this album (and the hours that follow while the people in the photos comment on them) the memories are kept alive, celebrated, and sometimes mocked. But until a few years later when someone decides to rustle up an awful image of you looking windswept with a grimace on your face, it is rare that you look upon these memories with the same fondness. It's onto the next album, and the next, and the next... and all these precious times become dust as the present excitement ensues.

This summer was hugely special to me: I finished school, had my first holiday alone with a friend (where else but Disneyland?), volunteered for four weeks of it, and generally tasted independence in a way which I hadn't before. I celebrated the end of this routine that I had inhabited for the last 7 years with friends in the form of a ball (fancy gowns and aching feet included), went to Wimbledon for the first time, met up with the CU to pray for the year ahead, and watched a youth leader I love get married. It was a pretty exciting time because I knew that the future was just ahead of me and all my friends, and I had no idea what was coming next. At the same time I was trying to do all I could with my time as well as spending time with my family before making the move to London, and making the most of time spent without the pressures of work or study. It felt wrong to document these things on facebook albums that will only hide away, and not to give these memories the attention they deserve.

So for the first time, I gave scrapbooking a go. And after spending hours in my free time on weekends making it, I have (in mid-November) completed it. Not only has it been fulfilling my inner crafty side that has been itching to come out since I dropped Art after AS Levels, but it gave me an opportunity to reflect on the opportunities I had, the friends I made, the laughs I had forgotten about in the blur of my new life in London. It made me smile on the Saturdays when I was feeling tired and, while my housemates were out with friends, pretty lonesome.

Here are some pictures! (and by some I mean pretty much most of the book, but with a few left out - I still wish to surprise my friends when I see them at Christmas..)

One of my favourite things about scrapbooking was getting to use up all the leaflets and pamphlets from Wimbledon and Disneyland in order to make backgrounds and decorate the pages without them wasting away in a box somewhere, or on a pinboard where they are bound to rip and get all dog-eared!

I took my disposable camera with me to Disneyland, and while not many of the photographs were useable (getting tourists to take photos on something so outdated is not the most reliable thing!), I love the way that this photograph turned out, with all the random colour filters contrasting with the grey sky. It pretty much emulates our over-excited mood of the magic of Disney in spite of the weather!

I edited these photographs before having them printed - I just love how this page is like a little momento to the old photographs taken of Disneyland before there was colour photo, and is a particular highlight of the book for me. I like having the courtesy photographs against the old-style 'shoppe' background and the man with the tophat, as well as the old car against the palace. 

The light show was so spectacular that I had to restrain myself from putting all the photos in the book - in the end only three made it and had individual pages so they could be shown off to their fullest, reflecting the fact that the light show was a real highlight of my whole summer (these captions are starting to get a little GCSE Art-like, aren't they?)

After the neat and prim nature of the Disney pages, UBM comes with 3 pictures on each page, all cut up and jagged and hidden by fancy cutting of the paper. It really was that hectic while I was there, I thought I would never recover from such exhaustion!

There are probably many different arty things I could say about this - how I used specific colours for the pages to reflect the photographs (the Wimbledon pages were all green and lilac, the Disney ones mainly pink!) or how I tried to match the mood or the nature of the event to the way I decorated, or the way I moved chronologically through the summer, or how I tried not to use the same patterns in two chronological pages so that each page was unique - but it would be pretty tiresome and take away from the fact that I made this to be kept, laughed at and loved for years to come. I even left pages to add more photographs to if I fancied!

Hope you have enjoyed this post - 'tis a little different to my normal rant-about-London style but I find that it's always nice to live vicariously through other peoples' memories.

-Antonia

P.S. All these photographs were taken on my HTC One. Not sure how the quality translates!

Two Month Review // October - November

It's that time again! Reading over last month's answers it seems like those experiences were so recent and I struggle to think of what else to add, yet as soon as I start typing my brain will go wild with all the things I have seen, felt, and experienced this past month. Today is the 9th, so exactly two months have passed since I moved in, and it was only a few weeks before I started calling this somewhat scraggy hostel 'home', but only in the last few days that I finally let my obsession with cleaning the kitchen and tidying go and really make this place - bolognese stained countertops and all - a home from home. 

I've decided that I'll add a new question each month, and considering the general theme of my introduction is regarding my new home, thought it apt that the question reflected that (it may also be a foretaste of a blog post that I hope to do later this month!)

The outside of my house from the third floor staircase of London City Mission HQ, where I have my lectures each Thursday. The house looks rather lovely from this angle, I must say! 

1) Weirdest thing you have seen in London this month?

I have recently been spotting, on frequent occasions, a lady who rides over Tower Bridge on a pink scooter. I have smiled at her, but she is a very focused commuter, looking straight ahead to her scootering goal at all times and never pausing from her rigorous scootering stance. However, this has been trumped by an incident that took place behind my home two nights ago, with the police and fire engines blocking off our whole road, Tower Bridge, and surrounding roads, diverting commuters away. My parents were stopping by after work for a coffee and we were told, en route to Starbucks, that there was a suspected explosion. My housemate was told an hour later that there was a fire, yet there was no sign of smoke or anything being romotely burnt. This carried on for many hours and security got tighter - I even struggled to get back to the house! My housemates went for a walk to see what was going on and got no further than down the road where there were about 15 firemen lined up against the wall waiting for orders, as well as fire engines, police vans and explosive experts with their experty things (lots of suspicious looking metal cases). We decided to play lookout on the small play area behind us rather than panic about the fact that they were not evacuating local residents to safeguard against injuries from this possible explosion: who said young adults weren't sensible? Regardless, there was no explosion, or even a fire, and I am wary about posting what we were told was going on because the policeman who told us was being extremely sarcastic and basically said "yeah it just needed some water sprinkling on it, and now it's all good" -  as if this potential explosive source just needed watering like a flower to stop it wilting. It doesn't necessarily count as 'weird', but it was too strange an occurrence not to share!

An image from near my house taken on the night of the explosion debacle - the large group of firemen aforementioned are on the far left, and the empty street (which heads on to London Bridge and would usually be awash with commuters) pretty much says it all, although this was taken towards the end of the drama.

2) Particular highlights of this month?
This month in our house was birthday month, with four of us having birthdays, which was a real opportunity for us to get to know each other better and basically spend time together that didn't involve watching a whole series of Miranda in one evening. Even by mid-October, it felt like the house had split somewhat because four of the girls worked together, and those of us working with London City Mission were together on Thursdays and had lived together for a week before any of the others moved in. We were all too tired from adjusting to our new jobs and schedules to bond late into the night and we had only a very basic knowledge of one another. When my birthday rolled around in early October, my fellow CV Emma made me a hunk of a chocolate cake with strawberries and the girls gave me chocolates, which was delicious and really made us feel more of a little community in the house, but by the time October ended there were three birthdays in the space of a week, so we celebrated with a meal out at Zizzi's on a Thursday evening, the only evening when it is pretty much guaranteed that we will all be together. It was such a lovely evening that had the potential to be horrifically awkward, but we chatted about our work, ourselves and had a good ole' chuckle. We then stepped outside onto the cobbled street (I do love a good cobbled street) and pretended that we were Mary Poppins, clicking our heels and taking photos like this:

As you can imagine, we looked beyond ridiculous. Excuse the picture quality, but for a stonker such as this, it had to be overlooked!

From L-R: Helen (LCM), Naomi (XLP), Me, Mair (XLP), Emma (LCM), Anna (XLP), Ruth (XLP)

My birthday cake!

One of the best birthday memories comes from the last birthday. My fellow LCM-er Helen and I decided to make a cake for Emma, since they has made mine together. In doubling the recipe, however, we added an extra egg and forgot to purchase baking powder, meaning a well-baked cake but with absolutely no rise! Forced to be creative, as well as hiding our cake concoction from Emma when she returned, Helen transferred the cake onto a round tray and took it hostage in my bedroom, where we proceeded to have a birthday card writing and cake decorating session for the next few hours. The rounded tray meant, however, that while the cake was cooling two of the corners were fragile. Our solution? Cut off those corners and make them into a kite. In fact, let's make the cake a work of art! Cue caramel waffles being placed on the cake, following my pink cream cheese and white chocolate icing  (a sunset, apparently), and marshmallow clouds. A cake fit for a (twenty) four year old!

Another major highlight was having some familiar faces coming to visit. While I love all the people I am meeting, it isn't quite the same as having your sister stay over and wander round London with her, or approaching a mentally ill man along the Thames with a friend from CU and offering him prayer, or asking strangers to take pictures with a Trevor the teddy. Those late night chats and film nights were so worth it and were just really comforting while my housemates were on their half term and the house was largely empty.

My sister wouldn't want her picture up on here, so here is one she took of me in front of the Houses and Parliament and Big Ben (which is actually the name of the bell but oh, well)

3) Favourite part of your work this month?

I would have to say meeting with local women in their homes - they have so much to teach us reserved Brits about hospitality. Seeing the other side of life and meeting with one particular woman who everyone else would despise - living off benefits (although not by her choice, she struggles to find work and is actually very intelligent), overweight, living in chaos and clutter - yet seeing the effort she goes to, buying us cake from her very little money and even giving us a huge three course meal because she wanted to show gratitude to us for bothering with her. Sometimes, that means gritting your teeth and drinking out of an unclean teacup or having tea without milk because she hasn't got any money left for it, or trying on her cloths that she wants to give you even though they're not to your taste. But I love it. I love seeing her curiosity about faith and her willingness to ask us questions and simply showing her the compassion that no one who lives near her has. It is an immense privilege, and is eroding my sense of entitlement. For that I am elated.

I am also enjoying my Monday Asda trips because when it is really sunny you get beautiful views of the docklands and Canary Wharf!

4) Least favourite part of your work this month?

Pretty much the same as last month. One week, I think I am getting the hang of things, and the next I am stuck in the kitchens chopping up salad and washing up so that everything I used to know just pops out of my head! I have also had a particularly clumsy week this week, knocking a tray of flapjacks off the counter onto the floor (losing the cafe money-wheey to go!), putting spoons in the bin and emptying cappuccinos into the bin, and then putting our order slips into the refrigerator instead of the milk. This was all topped off when I got home and microwaved some soup for myself and upon taking it out of the microwave, dropped it all over my left palm. Playing a clean version of "I have never" with frozen peas with Helen in A&E wasn't the best way I could have spent my fireworks night! I also struggled working Friday evening yesterday. It was rather disorientating and I didn't really know what was going on, and all the people I work with regularly weren't there. Hopefully I will get used to it!

5) Hardest part of your work this month?

I would have said the long hours, but these have been reduced - wahey! I would say, therefore, having the motivation to study alongside my work for my lectures. You really need to concentrate and often I find myself quite tired or, when I start, I realise after a few hours that nothing has gone in. It's weird juggling the two and putting so much physical energy into one and all your intellectual energy into the other and basically becoming a ball of exhaustion, hence having Saturdays as a 'resting day'. I have absolutely no idea how others play in bands or work as artists or illustrators alongside this job, or just go out and spend time being cultured in London. I know I need to get a better social balance but at the moment I am enjoying watching film after film each night.

6) Would you kindly sum your working month up in three alliterating words?

Creative, complex, clumsy.

7) Weird habits developed this month?

Still obsessed with cleaning the kitchen, but a more rewarding habit has been reading my Bible both morning and evening. I normally stick to morning and do a longer session, but doing both has been really useful and given me a little less strictness to my morning schedule, which I have enjoyed. 

8) What are you missing the most about home this month?

The boringness of Croydon. I didn't ever really feel guilty about not going out and staying at home when all you were greeted with was an overpriced cinema, shopping (which would have been less stressful online) and grey buildings against dull skies. Living in London, however, gives you this pressure to be more outgoing and extroverted and to cease all these opportunities that are in front of you - going to see a play, a gallery, trying new food, meeting new people and exploring all the city has to offer. Truth is, I would rather order a film off Amazon and spend my day with a tub of Ben and Jerry's because I am not cut out for spontaneity, but sensibility. Not to mention that I can't afford to be eating out, going to exhibitions and certainly not musicals! I spend my money (that I have been saving for the past year) treating myself to a nice shampoo from Lush that will last me six months, not a meal that will last me ten minutes. That being said, I have been for a few meals this month - just look at this corker from Las Iguanas, where my mum took my sister and I. Curry hemmed in by a shell of butternut squash with rosemary crumbled over the top - my tastebuds were having a party!

9) Best housemate moment?

There have been far too many in the past few weeks! The cake captivity debacle aside, I would have to say the evening this past thursday which involved singing Christmas songs in our worst singing voices, learning a dance routine, moaning, eating freddos (we were given a box of 60!) and watching series 3 of Miranda. We were also planning our house Christmas dinner and how we were going to decorate, which got us all extremely hyped up for the Christmas period, and not just because of the twinkling lights and presents, but for the singing of our favourite hymns and remembering the true meaning of Christmas and why we celebrate it. 

Apologies for the length and somewhat dodgy photography - I have been too scared to take my big camera out too much so a lot of it is HTC One quality and a lot of cropping!

-Antonia

P.S. Many of these photos were taken from my Instagram

London: Community and Isolation

Walking through London has got me pondering rather deeply to the extent where I feel like I might be able to create a little series on my thoughts. My experience here has shown both the vitality and the cruelty of London, as well as how tourists get London so wrong. Indeed, how I until I moved here has such a warped perspective of London life. You hear of people longing to move to London to feel part of something, or to get a glittering job and meet creative people and live to the full. My experience has been somewhat redemptive of that fascination, but mostly telling the opposite. As much you walk the streets of London on a Friday evening and see mini communities of workers, you also see lonely wanderers. As much as in my work I have met creative people from painters and poets, I have outside of work also felt pangs of isolation and felt the burden of others' isolation who I have met on the estates or on visits.

So many people forget that London off the tourist trail is real life. It is messy, complicated, grievous, sad. I have met so many people in my work on an East London estate who, in spite of the supposed community that estates bring, know few people aside from immediate family, and spend their days alone. It's why the place I work at exists: to bring opportunity for community to these people who would otherwise be isolated and often without hope or even small comforts. I recently met a lady who is grossly overweight, yet has a neighbour who drives her around. This neighbour often comes into the cafe, and I marvelled at the small community and links of people that we has discovered upon in an 8 floor block of an estate. Yet, upon asking her whether she knew anyone else in her area, she knew of none. This is not a problem unique to central London, as I am well aware, but I suppose I wanted to quash those myths of the bright lights of London. Those general images of people meeting and becoming friends in the city of opportunity are catering to a small market of people who seek out those friendships in the nightlife, not the old-time Eastenders (not the telly programme) or the gap year students living off donations (ahem).

Which brings me to me. The inspiration for this post was mainly from my own impressions as I walked round London with not a soul beside me, over Tower Bridge with only hostile stares greeting me (even from the lady on her pink scooter who I smile at every morning!), and my weekends being spent inside my home because aside from those I had met at work, there was no one to meet with and experience London with that would quell the feeling of crippling isolation. For the first few weeks, my introverted self who thrived on studying and lack of human interaction aside from that through a laptop screen (and was completely comfortable with that!) was loving it. Nearly two months in, and I have had my fill. I find myself craving the community that school used to bring which had such an extended circle of people and friends of friends which I had readily available on weekdays. This is replaced by my work, but with everyone being at least six years older than me, with a degree or two, former jobs and massive life experiences under their belt, it seems a bit odd to treat them as I would those at school, who were in the same position as me. Where I work, I am very much the underling - this is entirely my own perception of the situation, and not how they make me feel. In fact, they have been nothing but welcoming, a very picture of the friendliness that helps the community cafe thrive.

This is the cafe where I am working. It has an open plan full of light, space, books, creativity. The sofas are large so that big groups of people, or small groups of people who came alone but started a conversation, can meet, build friendships, and build community.

It is the weekends that solidify these feelings of isolation. My housemates (of which there are six plus a family of four, but that is for a later blog post) essentially replace the 'family' side of my routine life for the past seven years: they are the people I come home to and cook with and watch telly with. But on weekends, they are out visiting their friends from former gap years or uni or school. I am the only one that has come straight from school with the majority of their friends scattered over the country, which means that I have spent many a Saturday quite alone, either walking London's streets, doing the tesco shop and laundry, reading, scrapbooking... but not exactly thriving off all the things that London has for me to do. I've made a huge list of things I wish to do while I have London on my doorstep, but no one to do it with. People ask me with enthusiasm to tell them all about my extravagant and wonderful life in London, but I have few stories that they would be interested in. I spend my evenings watching Bake Off (except that it has finished now... boo), not clubbing or at gallery openings or watching plays or taking part in a class (far too tired for that!).

This is the outside of the house where I am living. For stalking purposes, my room is the third window up on the left. Two two windows barely in view at the bottom are windows to our underground kitchen and lounge area, which is really where community gathers in our house. Yet there are many times when no one is there, and because we have a knocking and locking policy for our rooms, retreating to your room is isolating yourself from possible interaction. Indeed, because of all the crazy schedules of the six other girls I am living with, it can be days where I don't see some of them!

Perhaps this has been a little personal (oops!) and not as well communicated or as thoughtfully done as I would have liked, and makes me sounds rather sad and lonely. No, I a thoroughly enjoying my experience: I just crave that community in a big city was easier to find, or that maybe I would bother to look a bit harder for it.

-Antonia

P.S. Perhaps I will do a follow up on my thoughts around Christmas - this always seems to be a big time of community and we have some events at the cafe which I am really excited to organise and attend, as well as some house outings ice skating that I hope to arrange! Maybe as the year goes by, I will grow accustomed to it, or will make some new friends through church/fellowship groups/ a gym/ a class. I am not telling everybody that they are disillusioned just yet!

Photographing London

Although my time in London so far has been crazy hectic, which means that at the end of most days I just crumble into the sofa at the end of the day instead of really getting the most out of the London experience, I have managed to take a bit of time merely to walk around and take some pictures! It feels odd now, because I feel like I am verging on tourist territory when I feel just about settled to call myself a Londoner. I guess standing alongside PDA-ing tourist couples is necessary, however, if I am to truly capture my time here.

Interestingly, I have taken many photos of London before with my art group, always wanting them to be perfectly composed and in perfect focus. As I look back at the photos I have taken over the last few weeks, I realise that the majority are blurry: in part to avoid having to stand alongside those PDA-ing couples and taking photos as I walk, but mostly because London really is a blurry city. It moves so quickly that you barely have a chance to catch a breath, and people come and go as quickly as I can whack out a good soup onto the table at Departure (ie. with great speed!). Getting a good photo of London, it seems, always means some annoying tourist sticking their hand in the way, or a commuter walking speedily past. Truly representing London is actually having imperfect photographs, because no one who lives in London much cares for tourists (I bombarge into many a tourist photo a day simply because if I stopped for everybody taking a picture of themselves on Tower Bridge as I walked past it would take twice as long to get to work), or indeed, for eachother, because who can trust a stranger?

Make of these what you will:

Hope you like this tiny selection of the blurriest, but perhaps most interesting, shots of the London Bridge area that I have!

-Antonia

1 Month Review // September - October

So I was thinking about the subject of this next post, and there didn't seem to be much else to write of much consequence, except a full review of the last month. It seems that a lot of what I wrote last is still applicable, and I still feel like a newbie even though I have had a week of induction and four weeks of my placement. Alas, I still don't know how to fully work the espresso machine with confidence, though it turns out I am pretty good at basic latte art!

I think I might set myself some questions to answer around the 9th of each month, since that was when I moved to the centre of this crazy city. I suppose they can be added to as time goes on and these no longer suffice.

1) The weirdest thing you have seen in London this month?
My flatmates and I have slowly been making a list of weird things we have seen. On my first or second week, I most certainly would have said the appearance of what I can only be described as a sort of travelling table? Basically, as I wandered along Tooley Street on my way back from my Tesco shop, I saw 8 people sitting on the two longest sides of a table in the middle of the road. The stools they were sitting on had pedals attached to where you would normally place your feet, and they used these to cycle along the road. It looked like it was some sort of party, as they had bottles and cake on the table and seemed to be having a jolly time, even when cars were beeping at them! However, I have since seen these along the same road many times, and also in the centre of London while on a bus, where the travelling table was blocking up all of the traffic, having come to a standstill at a traffic light. My real answer to this question is what I saw last week: a lady with a bright pink baby buggy, where her dog was sitting, just pushing it over Tower Bridge. I think she misunderstood the meaning of 'walking the dog'.

2) Particular highlights of the month?
In a broad sense, I would just say the variety that my weeks have had - from cooking in the kitchens, deep chats with those at work and at the hostel, working at the counter and having jokes with the customers, and the deep interest I have in my Bible and History lectures. To pick out a few events I would have to go with the following:

• Being one of the lead vocalists at the London City Mission Thanksgiving Service held at All Souls, Langham Place. On the first week, I was asked if I could sing. I said yes, and was promptly eschewed into singing in front of 600 people 5 days later. It was the first time I had ever been involved in leading worship for anyone, let alone that many people in such a spectacular venue (pictures below!) To top it off, the whole thing was filmed and recorded, so I can really treasure that memory. The whole event was really interesting too, and really helped me to feel a proper part of the LCM family and settle in as quickly as I did.
• The staff at Departure Cafe playing the piano which is in the centre of the Cafe and singing a roaring rendition of 'Happy Birthday' (complete with cake) to me in front of all the customers as I was clearing tables. It was both hugely embarrassing and hugely flattering at the same time. I still feel very much the annoying newbie, so to receive such warmth from them was charming.
• Learning the amazing providence of God. I know I said that this blog would not get deeply spiritual, but I think this is extremely important. Yes, London is beautiful and I have very much enjoyed living here, but it is the fruit of my work here which gets me most excited, both for myself and others. So let me tell you a story... In July, I received my acceptance letter from the London City Mission with a mixture of excitement and trepedation. How was I supposed to get £4000 between then and September, not least because I am going away on a three week long mission in a week? "I have no time to get a job!" "What can I sell to get money?" "How frugal can I be this summer to save more?" Instantly, it was all about what I could do to earn the money. I figured out a way to pay around half the money myself, including refusing to go out with friends, or spend too much when I did, and using money that I had put away in savings. I was told early on that my church would give me some money, and by mid-August, I had a plan for about 3/4 of the money I needed. By the time I left, I had it all - slowly, people at my church had individually approached me with crazy sums of money (some gave up to £100 each!), or anonymously gave some through the offering. I thanked God for his goodness to me and was satisfied. But, being a God who always exceeds my expectations, the money kept coming. Nearly every week, amounts between £200-£500 has rolled in from the church offering. Two weeks ago, there was one anonymous cheque for £400! My church, amazingly, have nearly funded the whole lot. All my frugality was not necessary, although sensible. I really did have no need to worry, and my parents haven't paid a penny but for my train tickets to and from their house, as well as saving money on the food shop. Dad couldn't be more delighted. Now I'm praying for the money to stop, or I will have extra money and not a clue what to do with it!

Now, lets wipe the tears from the keyboard and onto the next question, shall we? No more ranting allowed, Antonia!

All Souls, during rehearsals for the Thanksgiving service. It is a truly stunning building inside! Below is a picture of their organ, thankfully not used. Being that size I'm sure it would have drowned us out.

3) Favourite part of your work this month?

To be honest, I am even finding joy in cleaning the toilets so far, (I know, I know...) but without a shadow of a doubt it would have to be visiting people in the community, both by doing door-to-door advertising of the cafe and checking in on people we already know. I have had the privilege of being party to some incredible hospitality: women who didn't know me invited me into their homes, gave me tea and samosas (even when I insisted that I wasn't hungry!), and chatted happily to me about their lives without inhibition. I think we British can learn a lot from that, we are far too quick to suspect. Many people have large families and when visiting an elder lady, their granddaughters have often come in and been really interested in what on earth I am doing a gap year which involved spending time drinking tea with them rather than going travelling. I have only met one grandson, and then, when hearing that our ages were the same, the grandma tried to get us to marry, which was a pretty awkward moment on both sides. 

View from the 8th floor of a a section of the estate that I am working with at the moment. If you faced the other way, you could see the Olympic village!

4) Least favourite part of your work this month?

Everything is slow. I still don't know how to do everything in the cafe, and all these small practicalities can really wind me up. Sometimes I feel intimidated by the other staff, who always know what they are doing, and I get embarrassed when someone catches me standing there looking gormless! This month I have also had trouble remembering things, so one day I will be taught the exact time to microwave the nachos for, or the temperature that the soup has to be heated to, and the next (and the next...) I will forget. I have been shown how to froth milk using the espresso machine about 5 times now and still get in a flap when I try. It has lowered my confidence a little and means that I just avoid doing things I can't remember how to do. I'm slowly getting over my fear of nagging people with questions, though!

5) Hardest part of this month?

I would have said the above had it not been for the countless times I have had to hold back tears in the presence of people I have never met before. As I have said, people are really hospitable and chat to you openly, but this means that they disclose to you personal things. When you are carrying your own worries, fears, insecurities (and in my case, frantically obsessing over how unclean the hob is), this sometimes all accumulates and I feel myself welling up. One lady in a care home was telling us how helpless she felt, how she couldn't be bothered to call any of her family, how she struggled to sleep, and was struggling to make friends in the home because all the women had mental disorders and couldn't understand her. This alone got me going, then she added how she had recently lost her home, was abused by her husband, and that 2 people she really cared about passed away this year. There were many people that we met who were going through real struggles. In addition, there is also opportunities to tell my story, and my struggle with anger management and counselling. Bringing back those memories without the joking that I can share with close friends always makes me cry, but in front of a stranger it's not appropriate to break down. They also have to feel like they are not going to burden you and therefore, won't tell you anything if they spot that you can't handle it. I am getting more used to it, especially as I get to lift these problems up off my shoulders in prayer to God.

6) Would you kindly sum your working month up in three alliterating words?

Exhilarating, exhausting, emotional.

The view from the moment I step out onto my front door. People don't believe me when I say I live "to minutes from Tower Bridge", but there is is. There is also a very noisy pub which keeps me awake at night. Last night, I was treated to a drunken rendition of  "Walking in the air" which was surprisingly tuneful.

7) Weird habits developed in this month?
I have become a huge fan of cleaning. I was on the cleaning rota for the hostel this week and instead of doing the few duties we had, thought that Saturday afternoon would be a fantastic time to clean the kitchen: the hob, floors, sink, washing up bowl, tiles, cupboard doors, microwave and so on... The only thing I couldn't face was the oven. I think working in a cafe and cleaning for at least an hour as part of my day has really engrained it in my life. On the food side of things, anything with mint in is good. I consume peppermint tea at least 3 times daily, and at least 4 After Eights (they were going cheap in Tesco, alright?). I'm counting on the fact that all the time I do standing up and running around means that this doesn't matter one bit.

8) What are you missing the most about home this month?
Cooking for four! It's really reallllyyyyy annoying cooking and shopping for one because I always overbuy on the vegetables and then have to have the same meals over and over again. Anything like lasagne is really awkward and a very long process to make just for one person, and as the house have decided to cook individually due to our varying schedules (to the point where I went for 4 days without seeing one of my housemates at all!) and varying budgets, it doesn't seem worth it to make a batch unless you are a huge fan of bolognese. This also means no Saturday curry, no Sunday pie, no Monday roast!
More importantly, though, I miss my sister (aw). We used to moan to each other in the evenings, cook lunch together on weekends, watch telly together, and we became pretty close over the last year. In her birthday card to me, she wrote "You are now 19 which means it is time to lay off the heavy drinking and smoking", which had me in stitches! If you don't know me too well, I don't do either at all.

A pretty low-fi quality photo, but one where my sister is actually smiling! Taken about 5 days before I left for the London life.

I think that is about enough! If you have any question suggestions, let me know: perhaps 'Song of the month' 'Laugh of the month'? I wasn't sure how much of the menial things in my life you would really want to know. Perhaps you can answer some of those below, if you too have just left home, for Uni and whatnot...

-Antonia

P.S. If you enjoy these ramblings, my twitter might be of interest...

Pondering London.

If I were to sum up my London experience so far, the word I (and I'm sure those completing the gap year with me) would chose is 'exhausting'. This is apt - I am currently sitting in a well of tissues and mugs that were once full of Beechams, Lemsip, or hot squash. Just over two weeks into the real experience of what it is like to work full-time, and my immune system has crashed. Not that this is any excuse anymore - London has an atmosphere of rushing, of buzz, to take a day off as I have today almost feels criminal in such a vibrant and enthusiastic city. I feel properly inaugurated now I grumble as I have to weave between slow walking tourists on Tower Bridge, especially the large groups of Asians (I don't want to be asked to take their picture when I could be eating food, thank you very much!).

I have, however, needed a rest. Working 9-6 instead of 9-5, including my decision to embark on a forty minute walk to work in a job where the only time you have to sit down is a lunch break has been a complete killer. Add to that being put on the rota last week which involved 8 hours of kitchen work, sweating over washing up, which although having cleared my pores from all the steam, also made me very lightheaded. Oh, plus a throbbing headache that slowly impressed itself until its unbearable peak at 4 o' clock, by which time no brownies were left to console me. Last Saturday, I was sent on a training course, and on Monday I completed a food health and hygiene course, worth 2 NVQs (yay for qualifications!). At the end of each day, I hop onto my laptop only to face incredibly slow broadband which by the time facebook loads, only shows me pictures of my school friends on their university adventures, with new friends around them, paint on their faces, and not one sorrowful face in sight. I can't help but feel, for a second, that life suddenly got very unfair for me. They get a loan to party while I live off donations and are too ill to go to the cinema on the money I have saved (hence why I am writing this now - all of my housemates are at the cinema). Of course, that is not the case. But hey, vulnerable 18 year-old uses this as an acceptable excuse to dive into two Twix bars anyway in spite of all the walking and vegetables bought to keep herself fit.

In spite of all this work and emotional craziness that being thrust into an organisation where I feel so inexperienced, uncomfortable, less than confident, but yet absolutely welcome has sent me, and the pain in my feet, I have still managed to take a few opportunties to walk around the glorious London. As I am starting to detest the tube - the magical qualities of it have long gone once you have experienced the tube with commuters and the sweat that comes with them - walking has become my preferred option during peak times. While it has lead me, at night, to see some beautiful landscapes filled with light, the juxtaposition of modern and old architecture standing side by side, the scenes by day are usually pretty bleak. Aside from a few days of sunshine in the mornings, London can look as grey as the history books make it sound. I am undecided as to whether the ongoing presence of cranes is irritating to my photographer's instinct, or quite beautiful in their constancy, almost adding in some respects a trickle of excitement and hope to the dull grey filter of clouds and buildings and bridges and the dirty Thames. They, also, reflect the fast-pace of London which pervades from every step of the commuter, and are a reminder of how while there are monuments to herald and remind us of the past, they do not make or contribute to the future. 

 If you are still with me, great! Sorry if I confused you. This is the kind of thing that I ponder over in all this thinking space I have! Now, to fully complete my update, I must reveal to you all why working at this cafe, or Community Arts Outreach Centre (if I wanted to sound pretentious), is worth all this illness and exhaustion. Some might say that whatever job you did, unpaid or overworked, would be all worth it if you got to live in the 'great metropolis'. I heartily disagree. If it weren't for the joy of working in a cafe where I am continually discovering new nooks and crannies, new food, new personalities, new art, and the colourful display of people that I meet everyday, as well as embedding myself with so many cultures and becoming more aware of life outside middle-class suburbs through my door-to-door work, on top of the absolutely charming people I work with, London would be far behind and I would be snuggling in bedsheets that weren't of the hideous brown variety that the hostel have provided me.

Is that good enough?

On my first full day, I had this gorgeous pea and mint soup with rosemary speciality bread. My tastebuds were exploding with joy, and my eyes were excited that the table I sat on was so beautiful, too!

I am surrounded by books and antique teapots, musical instruments, a vinyl player with three boxes full of vinyls from the sixties to the eighties, Singer sewing machines and a piano.

So yes, I am not with all my friends. I am exhausted. But I am making new friends, drawing new strength from the buzz of freedom and taking in the breathless city that is London, which gives me so much to think on and wonder. And below is what I see everyday, walk over twice, and cease to be amazed at.

-Antonia