First Term Lessons

University has been a learning curve like no other. By the time I was old enough to really have a solid grasp of who I was, I had the same friends for three years and could easily avoid those I didn't like. I had my routines and my hobbies all worked out, and everyone understood them because we were all alike. I would get up early and go to bed early. I wouldn't work past 7 and would watch TV every night with my mum before bed. I spent most Saturdays completing my work from the previous week and was very much a stay-at-home girl. I watched a lot of YouTube. During my gap year, I would housed once more with people like me, worked with people older than me but who generally shared my values, and that was of great encouragement. I did a tough job for no money and that gave me a passion and a vision that I hope to see flourish in the future.

University is different to my gap year in many ways, and I can't believe that when people told me it was a world like no other that I didn't believe them. You live alongside people that probably would have avoided you at school because you were weird, difficult personalities. I shared with a girl who I may never have crossed paths with elsewhere in life because our backgrounds were so different. Instead of being the person that retreated to their room, I worked alone but found myself beginning to crave social interaction, discussion, friendship on a deep level that mainly worked on a face-to-face basis because they were quite literally just down the hallway. Yes, it all got intense at times, and there were definitely some down moments when essays all piled up over a few weeks, but you were never alone. There was also the opportunity to try something new, and I've picked up old hobbies as well as new ones, once again filled with different people. I am doing a whole host of subjects and juggling it all is a right challenge, especially when, unlike my A Levels, I am not a reclusive workaholic who spends a lot of time alone, but also makes the time for hours of exercise and other pastimes. In this messy, busy, world, I have learnt a lot, and I intend to carry these lessons into the next term.



1) There Is Always Time.
When the essays rolled in and I saw all my deadlines for one week, I panicked big time. I wanted to stay up late, get up early, and generally not be kind to myself. I would push myself just a bit too hard, depriving myself of sleep. I would punish myself internally if I didn't feel like I had done enough. And it hit me at the end of it all, when all the deadlines were in, that there was always enough time to do what I wanted, sleep, chat with friends, exercise. I didn't have to be anxious about it, and in fact all those other things helped me to be more productive when I was awake. Sounds so simple, but for a perfectionist who is controlling and unkind to herself, a lesson well-learned. Yes, I might not be as hyper-organised as I would be in school, handing things in a week before, but I can do that same thing and be a little calmer.

2) Resting Is A Good Thing.
It is not the enemy of all things productive, nor is it always selfish. I had to be told far too many times in one particular week to rest. I didn't, and things went wrong. I cried a lot, but I did get given a muffin by one who was particularly sympathetic. You CAN get by with less sleep, but it doesn't mean you have to.

3) Look At What Is More Valuable.
Those marks for the essay that doesn't count? Yes, they are a useful indication of where you are heading, and they make you feel warm and fuzzy for a while, but they don't count. They really don't. I'm not saying I should slump into a thought process whereby I don't care about anything I produce (after all, I'm paying a lot for this!), but that I care and put effort into it, but don't stake my hopes on the result. The results I produce, my achievements, are not my true value. I am to seek meaning and value elsewhere and my time should reflect that. As a Christian, that means more time in prayer, seeking out friendships, looking to be compassionate and give my time sacrificially to serve others.

4) Let The Introvert Take Over Sometimes.
You don't have to enjoy always being around the constant stream of people, nor are you validated by doing so. I realised this term that I was becoming really conscious of how people saw me and tried to betray my personality by involving myself in things I wasn't too keen on. I was trying, for a time, not to do things with people outside of my halls so that I wouldn't lose friends. And I really have enjoyed this holidays being on my own, journalling more, and venturing out to see friends on my own terms rather than being barged in on and having to put up with someone for a few hours rather than just gently telling them that I would rather be alone.

5) Let Your Hair Down.
It's good to celebrate. And you, of all people, can do it sensibly and on your terms. Don't be so self-conscious, whack out that crazy dancing.

6) Embrace Brunch.
It might feel weird to come back from dance class on a Saturday morning to hash browns and beans, but you have no other choice really. And now they've replace your Sunday roast with it, too. So you had better get used to it.

Dressing up as Penny Pingleton. More of this next term.

The one day where I really went for it with brunch.

I've probably learnt even more than that, but this is the stuff that as I reflect on my first term that has really stuck. Hopefully, next term with my own room, things will be different in many ways. I can get up and not have to get dressed in the dark, go to bed with the lights off. Talk to myself. Sing to myself. It will be brilliant!

What has life been teaching you over the last few months?

-Antonia

Stuck in the Bubble

I didn't understand it when people said that returning to University was like returning to a Bubble, but now the only way I can describe University is a parallel universe. Honestly, I did not believe it when people said that it was so entirely different to any life you will ever have, and I did not expect it to be so all-encompassing and challenging in so many ways. Now, I find myself with a week to go, without any deadlines but still a lot of reading if I don't want my suitcase to weigh a tonne, and itching to get away. Not from the people, or the city, or the experience of learning and trying so many new things, but just from a world which doesn't feel quite real.

My section of my shared room at University

Last year, I faced the realities of everyday life in marginalised communities in London, and it was a wake up call. Foodbanks lie dear to my heart, as does issues of poverty, benefit sanctions, and community groups. Even in a city that seems to be pretty idyllic, since being here I have learnt that it is unique among the county and that there are parts where the lifespan decreases by 10-20 years in a ten-minute drive. Yet, I am part of a weird world where students complain about money yet rarely face the real problems of hunger, electricity, water, shelter. And they are hugely apathetic about the Foodbank collection in our post room, which only had one tin of food in the last time I checked. Many are incredibly ignorant of real situations in real lives, yet are some of the most intelligent people I have met. There are a few which have real hearts of compassion, real love and drive and have even set up this incredible organisation to get students involved in local charities that would otherwise struggle to get volunteers. I was thrilled when I found out about them, but disappointed in myself that apathy set in so quickly as I was swaddled up in a cradle of comfort, of meals in a fancy dining hall and my money going towards the next best event and making friends than my passion for community. Why does being a student exemplify me from being a part of society as a whole?

You can easily spend all day going from breakfast to the library, to a lecture, to lunch, to basketball practise, to your kitchen for a tea break, to your room, to dinner, to the library, to bed. Stuck in your bubble of friendship and intellect, afraid of missing out, branching out, and really considering what is important in life. Rarely considering other people outside of this alternative reality.

Some people say you have to embrace this world in which a week goes by so fast and yet everything evolves - you have hours and hours of knowledge crammed in, new people and the dynamics of the group of people that you see everyday seems to reform every hour. For me, it feels more like staying afloat and remembering my true identity and passions which exist outside of this maddening sensation of not being in the real world and losing some of the convictions most important to me. I feel threatened.

This makes out as if University has been a bad experience, and it undoubtedly has not. I've been surprised at how much I have loved it. I've really quite enjoyed learning again, discovering and rediscovering, becoming excited by the vastness of the classical world and the underlying features of novels and the new ways of reading theology. I've enjoyed weighty discussion. I've enjoyed taking up exercise more regularly in an atmosphere where it is encouraged even if you are really very bad (like me). I've enjoyed having people around to talk to over cups of tea. I've enjoyed meeting so many inspiring people through church and Christian Union who show such generosity and help to such a confused fresher, and learning through them how to stumble along in faith at University. But I've also felt smothered by the workload, smothered by the constant social expectations, none of which I would classify as being quite real.

University is bizzare and I don't understand it yet. It's a bubble which feels inescapable, but I'm sure that over Christmas I will miss it. No matter how much I complain and grumble, I still am living in a real world. It is just a world I hadn't really considered before, a world tainted with far more privilege and freedom than I am used to, and a world far further from home than I've ever been.

The Easy Things To Be Thankful For

Off the back of my previous post on the topic of being thankful, I mentioned going around my house and taking photos of the things that I was thankful for, in spite of how admittedly easy it was for me to do so because I have so many good things, obvious privileges. As adding the photographs that I took onto that post would have made it very long, I thought I would make a separate, shorter post here with little explanations under each one, my notes of gratefulness if you will.

Being mindfully appreciative of what you have cannot just be a one-off epiphany moment and I hope that my extending this theme over two posts it will get us all thinking, me included, over a long scale of time, about how much we really have, and how much we still crave for despite the many gifts, blessings and opportunities that are right in front of us.

Dad's roast preparation. Always thankful that we can afford this luxury of good nutritious meals, indulgent yorkshire puddings and lots of trimmings.

In the centre is one of my favourite images: my best friends and I on the last day of school before we commenced our GCSE's, reminding me of how lucky I was to receive good-quality education and find incredible, supportive and lasting friendships through those years. 

A place to rest my head each night, to sit on and ponder, to worry, to be comforted when ill. A place which some do not have due to war, seeking asylum, in cold hard prison cells for unjust accusations. Here, I can rest, relax, gather my strength for days to come and do it comfortably. That is a privilege.

A rail of clothes in a variety of colours which express my personality, keep me cool in summer and warm in winter, mixing functionality with human creativity. In my country I am not forced to wear something simply because I am a woman, a certain race, a certain religion. I can freely determine my own principals, and enjoy myself doing so.

The sunset outside my window, looking into London and beyond. The family home kept me secure for years. I grew up in a safe, nonthreatening area, albeit with a lot of hills! And cor, did I witness many a sunset from this window, forever reminding me how awesome nature is.

These are the simple things, the easiest things to be thankful for. Nothing heroic. But even they can be swept over by the current of routine.

What will you intentionally be thankful for today?

Kefalonia // Holiday Snaps!

To months ago, I returned back from the most relaxing and needed holiday of my life, and my first trip abroad in three years. It was one of those beautifully blissful periods of relaxing, catching up with my family, reading all the books I wanted to (I got through 7 in 12 days!), eating and a lot of swimming. We went to Kefalonia, a Greek island, and because it was slightly before school holidays we saw few tourists (and few people in general) and therefore it felt like a truly restful experience and a chance to really soak up the culture, Greek food and the island without feeling disturbed.

Our holidays usually revolve around beaches, but because we were on a island we really tried to explore all of it and did a few days spending hours driving along the vast coast, around mountains and hills, while I stuck my camera out of the window and snapped furiously away. I usually detest long drives, especially in the heat, but when you are surrounded by such vast beauty and have your headphones blasting out an anthemic Florence and the Machine song in one ear, you really are captured with a sense of the sublime and an awe of nature that in the everyday grind and self-absorption of life you completely miss, especially in London. The pictures barely capture it!

My family stayed in a villa, which felt extra secluded. We ate lots of bread and salad for lunch with feta, tzatziki and watermelon and swam in between reading chapters of books on our sun loungers. In the evenings we alternated with cooking in-house and going out to eat and experience food as the Greeks make it (don't bother with the Kefalonian meat pie: cheese and rice don't belong together!) before getting back and doing some crosswords while watching all the films that are too long to sit down and watch at home, my favourite of which was Cold Mountain. 

It was probably the best holiday I have ever had, and I am so thankful that we were given a gift which enabled us to have the break we all needed and remind me of the great scale of the created earth. Swimming in a sea with the backdrop of a misty mountain top was just magical.

What are some of your favourite holiday memories?

Helen Berhane's Inspiration

I watched a video not long ago that stuck with me like no other Youtube parody or fashion haul had. It was the story of a woman who was trapped in a shipping container day in, day out, enduring the suffocating heat by day and freezing at night. Yet, she was thankful: thankful for her beatings, the bugs that bit her, the fact that she was alive and enduring though despised and discarded, treated as inhuman.

I have had hard days these past weeks, and moaned within myself about them knowing that really, compared to so many others, I am incredibly blessed and provided for, that my life is sustained another day in a country that gives me so many freedoms and rights which allow me to live how I wish to live and give me opportunities I simply wouldn't get elsewhere. One of my passions in life has been supporting those who were persecuted for their religious beliefs because I am increasingly aware of the grace shown to me each week when I can walk into church and not have a care in the world apart from a few people slinging about the name of Jesus as if it were a swear word during my week. I do not suffer because I believe in something, and I am truly never thankful enough for that either. Yet this woman wasn't even thankful for the things which are obviously nice, which are obviously privileges and easy to be thankful for. She was thankful for things that would be daily annoyances, that would cause her pain and grief and leave her lonely, isolated. Her name is Helen Berhane, and she is inspiring.

This video also reminded me of a book I read a few years ago called 'The Hiding Place', in which Corrie Ten Boom writes the story of how her Christian family hid Jews fleeing from the Gestapo in Amsterdam before they were caught, taken to a concentration camp and split up, never to see one another again. While they were in these horrific conditions of the camp, she loses faith, becomes self-absorbed and discouraged, becomes bitter... a pretty natural reaction to what we now recognise as one of the most horrifying events in recent humanity. But her sister, on the other hand, has such a different attitude that at one point she thanks God for the flies that bite her in the night and keep her awake. We can barely deal with wasps in the summer - they spoil our barbeques! - yet she learns to love and cherish these beings though she was being torn apart by labour day and night, sleeping in a hot room with many others in inhumane conditions. Yes, she too was thankful.

And I suppose going round my house over the course of a few days is a pathetic attempt to instigate this sort of thankfulness in my own life. These are things to be obviously thankful for, to my shame. You don't see me taking pictures of the dust on my shelves or the bin, or the blemishes on my face, but I suppose someone as ungrateful as I am has to start somewhere.

Jesus said "Where your treasure is, there shall your heart be also", and I strive not to treasure and love my possessions so much that they become my identity and source of fulfillment in life. Heck, I've had to wean myself off lifestyle and home blogs because they make me so jealous and subconsciously give me the wrong view that these perfectly fitted and beautiful places complete a person, make them happier and more fulfilled when I know as a result of my Christian faith that there are higher things, greater things to set my mind on. But the things I do have are all gifts, graces, provisions, and I wish I appreciated them more. At the right time, they are given away to serve another, sold to fund something more pressing or passed on simply to recognise that I don't need as much as I thought I did to live. But for now, I can look at pictures that I have taken and think:
"Yes, I am thankful."

And I hope that one day as I mature that my thankfulness extends as far as Helen Berhane's did, because I certainly am not there yet.

Advice from a Skint (ex) Londoner

So, after my year in London living pretty minimally (I got money for food and travel and only a few times spent all of it) and learning about budgeting and how to enjoy the wonder of London alongside that, I thought I would do a quicker, more succinct (ha!) blog post about my experiences. Some of these might be pretty obvious, but some of these things I actually shared with colleagues of mine who had been living in London for years. It is amazing how many things pass you by!

1) Timeout London is your friend...
And honestly, it got better and better as the year went on, with loads of lists of free things to do in music, art etc. as well as sections on what was on each day. I used this to plan many-a day trip, especially when I wanted it to stay within one localised area or borough to avoid excessive tube use. I just typed in the location or postcode and away we go.

2)... but it's not the only weapon!
Over the year I found a great website called +BrokeinLondon  (Twitter: @Brokeinlondon1) through using the twitter page at work and trying to get our free events, workshops and platforms heard about. They followed us, I followed them and soon became an avid user. Every weekend they post their top five free things to do, every month they give you a day-by-day account of the best free cinema listings as well as CV tips and other articles about great new finds (we also might have been featured on a post about community cafes!) Alongside that, I came across a Twitter feed called SkintLondon which told me a good few times how to find free Ben and Jerry's!

3) Get yourself a railcard!
It costs around £30 to buy but will save you around £3 everytime you buy an off-peak day travelcard (after 10:30 on weekdays) from Zones 1-6, which takes me from home into central London far cheaper than Oyster payment. I am also aware that you can add these onto your Oyster card somehow, but I don't know quite how yet.

4) Walk/ cycle
In my last month, I was on a tighter travel budget so didn't buy my extortionate usual travelcard. This meant that all the little cheats I had been relying on before had to go - getting the bus a few stops over a bridge each morning just to leave about five minutes later was no longer worth the £1.45 it would set me back each day on Oyster pay as you go. Yes, I really am that pedantic about my money! I also walked to work, leaving 15 minutes earlier and saving myself a further £2.20 on the DLR. My job is pretty walking-heavy, however, but I do testify to the fact that many Londoners are hugely lazy when it comes to travel and are missing out on some spectacular sights and hidden finds while getting the tube. Alternatively, if you are brave, cycle and save yourself even more! I am not brave, so I walked along the cycle highway and breathed in the smell of East London.

5) Apps
Sticking to the theme of travel, Citymapper was a huge favourite app of mine. It calculated how much different modes of transport would cost you, alongside the corresponding times and with walking and cycling, even worked out how many calories you would burn. I often found that sometimes taking one longer bus saved me a huge deal of money. It was also incredibly useful when those pesky weekend engineering works seemed to ruin all my plans. Vouchercloud was also hugely handy for restaurant codes. I managed to get 20% off Zizzi's multiple times when I saved up the money to go and it works using your location a lot of the time, very handy.

6) Covent Garden... just don't.
This is something that can be said for all of the shopping destinations in London. Going up there in the summer holidays when I had money was loads of fun, but going there on a budget, trying to find a cheap lunch and window shopping just isn't fun, especially with the bustling weekend crowds that want to crush your bones. If you do find yourself here, the National Gallery and National Portrait Gallery are short walks away (don't you DARE get the tube to Leicester Square from Covent Garden, it is the shortest distance on the whole tube network). If you end up on Oxford Circus, walk away, most directions will do and there are some independent galleries around there as well as the British Museum if you wanted a longer walk. In fact, just avoid all tourist areas, there are normally better alternatives. My housemates told me that pedalo-ing in Regent's Park was half the price of Hyde Park so it pays to go a little out of the usual boundaries.

7) Look in your community.
Working in a community cafe opened my eyes to how little people really knew about all the things that were available to them for very cheap prices without having to hop on any transport. We organised classes, free art platforms, free films... and people were astonished when they found out! Every youth has a church near them which would organise a youth club, and the amount of local galleries were insane. I found that both the White Cube and Fashion and Textile Museum were five minutes down the road from me. In terms of cheaper food, avoid avoid avoid the chains! Especially when it comes to coffee, the independents do it best and a lot of the time, cheaper and with a friendlier face attached. And all those weird little groceries near you? Go in them! Sometimes their fruit and veg will be cheaper than the supermarkets and it is a nice chance to engage with people in the community by supporting their businesses. I know a couple that got to know their local "samosa guy" that they invited him round for dinner!

8) Markets
Ok, so my local market was Borough Market which didn't always have the cheapest deals and you certainly have to dig around for them, but they were there! My favourite memory of Borough Market was going at 10 in the morning and hunting down loads of freebies, filling us right up so that we only paid £2 each for a shared salad deal which we sat and ate in the sun outside Southwark Cathedral. We might have gone back for more bread and oil afterwards, too. I would also advise going near closing time for some cheaper fruits. I have also managed to haggle some cheap deals on clothes in Spitalfields and generally have a gander with stallholders and it can be a great way to spend a day if you can resist buying too much and check on vouchercloud for deals on lunch or cake. Unfortunately, I would not consider myself a market expert and would definitely go with a small budget, but it's definitely one of the cheaper and more amiable ways to spend a day. Plus, lots of photography opportunities (just ask the stallholders first, ey!)

9) Sit still!
Londoners don't stop, or they become reclusive. Go to a public space, a park, a square, a bench of sorts, and take it in. There might be a view, a smell, a group of people. Sit down, have a think about life, read that book that you haven't made time in your hectic lifestyle to read, and then walk to your next destination (drinks with a friend? - probs)

10) All the obvious advice below.
Eat out less, plan your meals, turn the heating down a bit and throw on a jumper... everything that your mum tells you and your grandparents practised in the days after rationing. It's even more important to do this in London where your bills and food costs are higher! Sometimes, meeting with friends and doing a co-op meal is much nicer than eating out in a dingy, loud restaurant anyway.

Do you have any tips for living and socialising in London on a budget? Any recommendations (links to blog posts please!) on cheap eats or days out? Let me know in the comments.

-Antonia

London Nostalgia

So, it has been a month since I packed my bags, cried, and left my temporary home in London. Since then, I have blogged little, and I have three reasons for this. 

1) Lack of time

A few days after I arrived back in my childhood home, back into my room which actually felt like mine and didn't have horrendous curtains, I started a new job, and it was far more stressful than I thought. The pay wasn't what they said, nor were the hours, and I found myself working five or six hours a day, six days a week and trying to fit all my friends in between, which I remained unsuccessful at because I was so tired of all the adjustment! I have finally found a routine, had enough time catching up and hanging out with my family in the evenings, sorted out all my junk in my room and am ready to sink back into this corner of the internet.

2) Laptop issues!

Just as I returned, the laptop charger that I had bought as a replacement started to hack up. I typed one handed for a few weeks, endured holding the charger in at stupid angles and constant beeping before I gave it and bought a new one, only for the RAM to stop working and for my laptop not to turn on. Never, ever, get a Packard Bell, ladies and gents.

3) I am lazy

Self-explanatory.

So, to get myself in the blogging mood once more, and to reminisce the times I had in London which sadly feel far away and forgotten already, I thought I would share some snaps that haven't featured on here before that I am particularly proud of. I thought that this summer I would be returning to London at least once a week to explore what I didn't before, but alas my job has made that redundant, and so I explore London now through the files on my laptop and the ponderings which go alongside them.

Enjoy! 

In the heart of Theatreland, the Shaftsbury Theatre has an olden charm which I could not resist photographing. Just look at the colour of that brickwork and the contrasting tones and perspectives. I love it.

A sight I saw every day: a bridge in Bermondsey with the most dangerous and unpredictable crossing ever, used to make late-night trips to the co-op to get milk and romanticised by warm sunlight. The trainline that runs along here takes me to and from my childhood home and whenever I was on the train I could spot my London home through the window and it always gave me such an amazing feeling to know that I was returning to a place that equally felt like home, with housemates that made the brown furnishings seem insignificant!

Let's be honest, I just thought that the bright blue colour of this building was amazing and reminded me more of a beach hut, yet sat in London's Soho. 

There I am. Clever shot, if I do say so. (Note the sarcasm)

The road I lived on, pictured from that dangerous crossing. I walked over that Bridge every day, visited the Wetherspoons pub behind the tree on the right all too frequently (especially during the World cup!), heard children playing in the school opposite, and saw the orange and grey building in the foreground burn down from my window about a week after this picture was taken. 

Taken from my vantage point at West End Live, this captures the regal, old London monuments and Christian history as well as the tourist history and the vibrancy of London by including all the out of focus heads. It helped that this was probably the hottest day I experienced in London to capture that glorious blue sky and the rich greens of the trees.

The grime and dirt of London, contrasted with the glamour and riches of the Shard from the train window. I like this photograph because the grime, graffiti and ugly building is shone on by the sunlight, yet the Shard is masked by dirt on the window, almost a hologram or printed on top as an afterthought in black and white. 

Taken on a beautiful day where we took a spontaneous walk, I just love the colours in this photograph as well as all the contrast in buildings: the modernity of Blackfriars Bridge against St Paul's Cathedral.

She walks, and nobody noticed but me.

Taken from halfway up the stairs on the Monument, I love the angle of this photograph and it's rigidness in all it's lines, completely ruined by the blurry shadow of my friend Hope. I remember this moment because she was very scared of these steps.

I like this photograph purely for the clarifying yellow which declares my whereabouts in contrast with the unknown blurry man in the foreground. It really conveys what the atmosphere is like: bustling, colourful, with so many treats and treasures in sight!

A view from Tower Bridge, obscured by the famous windows which from below you wouldn't even think that there were people behind (or that they were windows... more like elaborate decoration!)

Oh, you beauty! They would never in this day make a bridge like you, and you have survived so much. It's amazing to see you up close, dear Tower, and I have missed seeing your splendour every day rather than the concrete buildings of my home town. Also, the angles on this photograph. The lines! The perspective!

A photograph taken at dusk from my beloved DLR train, and I even love the fact that it is wonky, framed by modern buildings and depicting a modern skyline, but still with the old street lamps hanging proudly and catching your eye to rival the modernity. I just love the muted colours of this photograph.

Nothing like a bit of lens flare to make Greenwich look even more dreamy than it is.

Love the grainy mood to this picture, as well as all the criss-cross lines of the structure of the Eye, the Embankment Bridge and Blackfriars just next door, all with contrasting warm and cools tones of the different lighting.

Simples.

I love the windy road, the looming street lamp, the old buildings against the glassy cool of the Shard, a whole other London captured within minutes of it's modern, chic rival.

Old streets just melt my heart, especially when they have abandoned shops with adorably cute paint colours, chipped with age as London moves on elsewhere (in this case, just down the road!)

And the rambles commence and I am wishing that I could just explore again!

Where have you explored recently? Or what time in your life are you having nostalgia for recently? Link me yours posts and tell me your thoughts in the comments. Because I like human interaction and human stories.

-Antonia

Eleven Months to Grow a Girl

A few years ago, at the ripe old age of 16 (ha!), I felt a strong call to do a gap year, to spend a year growing and learning and seeing where God could bring me as a person, use me for His glory and share His amazing story along the way. I did not know what that might look like and I certainly would never have imagined the past eleven months as they were back then. And now, I leave London with a greater vision, less fear of the future, a greater truth in God's purposes, a passion for building community, a more balanced life that is shaped by service rather than self-ambition, great friends, amazing mentors, and a rich rich thankfulness. I can't explain how this year has shaken me as a person in all aspects of my life, how it has made me wrestle with the way I live my life in an often painful way, and realigned my life to see greater things, greater plans and be ready for the future.

I remember when I was applying for University and I struggled to get excited about it. I didn't feel ready, I didn't want to learn for three years when I could be doing things, making an impact. I didn't want to be swept up in a culture that rid me of my current identity and once again forced me into thinking that knowledge, learning and achievements are what my identity rides on. Now, I feel ready. I have had a year of giving, learning, loving and I have a healthier perspective of what University can offer me and exactly why I am going. Yes, I want to get a degree which can give me access to better jobs and opportunities (although I am a big believer in alternative methods and explored many of them before finally deciding that to accept my place at University was the right thing for me) and I want to have the 'experience' that so many grads harp on about (although this year has been a wonderful experience also, and one I would not trade for an earlier graduation). But now I go knowing exactly what I want out of that experience, how I can serve and grow and learn and keep a healthy attitude to what really matters.

The past eleven months have grown me as a girl by forcing me into an adult world of adult problems. It forced me to work out the struggles of routine, of priorities, of living with people who won't make you dinner and wash your clothes and who hold you responsible for your own welfare (let's be honest, living at home is not the same), to think independently and to love in a deeper, richer and relentless way. The work I have done has been hard. I have been working in a highly skilled team who intimidated me for the first few months with their togetherness and social life, who showed me what it was to work hard but also the joys of rest, and got me out of my bubble of only hanging out with people my own age. I have been working in a community with cultural and age differences where prejudice is still rife and trying to unite them and cross those boundaries, loving people who are hard to love, serving them in their greatest need and putting up with their many character traits which are fraustrating as anything. I have taken responsibility and ownership for my work, building my own relationships in an environment that does not give you a handy mark scheme so you can see your progress or tick boxes like you can with an A Level essay.

I've also learnt little things like budgeting money (on a much tighter budget than Student Finance let me tell you!), and socialising! Yep, I was the girl who chose to spend pretty much all her Saturdays essay writing rather than working just that little bit harder in the week. I was rubbish at making plans and worried far too much about getting things done. I now feel confident just to grab a camera and walk around London, to meet friends after work (an evening out on a school night? Goodness gracious), to enjoy all the free and wonderful things London has to offer, including the company of my housemates. I have learnt to live in community with others rather than just shutting myself in my room for the day with my laptop and a bowl of pasta; I can cook a lot better, too!

Basically, life happened and forced me to grow up. I worked the hardest I have ever and faced real struggles, taking on the emotional pain of others, a broken heart for the poor and marginalised. I cried with the anxiety of taking upon myself the welfare of these people and cried out for strength to love these people and push aside my humiliation, awkwardness and fear. But alongside that, I came out wanting to do that full-time some day. To invest myself fully into a lifestyle that is shaped by sacrifice. But I know I have to grow a lot, lot more for it not to break me, and to do that job to the best of my ability, with a greater commitment and heart and passion.

The other day, I even referred to myself as a woman, and I think that is a pretty big deal.

-Antonia

Eleven Month Review // June - July

And like that, the months rushed by and my crazy journey in London came to an end. I went to London and came back to find three housemates missing and only three days of work ahead of me, a celebration and then a speedy exit. Hoovering my room, stripping the bed, rearranging the room back to it's original deosng and shutting the door on the best experience of my life. I have LOVED writing these monthly reflections and it reminds me so tangibly of all the memories that I have made and how each month I have overcome struggles and found ways to enjoy my time in spite of the things I have disliked about my hear, and also to reflect on all the weird things I have shared, discovered and loved. This is the last of these posts and I can't wait to resume these kinds of posts at University, the next journey of my life, halfway through every term. This post will be a reflection of my last month (and a half!) and there is another coming on my reflections on the whole year!

1)      Weirdest thing you have seen in London this month?

This is not the weirdest thing that I have seen (because that kind of thing is very blurred living in such a diverse place) but my weirdest experience by far was being approached while I was on Tower Bridge at four in the morning by a bunch of random guys who wanted to take a picture with us. I would normally be the kind of person who would cut and run, especially as I was barefoot in my pyjamas with a duvet wrapped around me. However, my housemates are more outgoing and went the extra mile by posting it on facebook, prompting many confused questions from relatives. It was probably one of the strangest experiences ever. Warning to all: don’t go to Tower Bridge on Summer Solstace early in the morning (or, in fact, ever early in the morning) because there are strange people everywhere.

2)      Particular highlights of this month

Unfortunately the only pictures I have of said sunset are on my
phone, of which the quality is pretty abominable when I transfer
my images to PC, so these are taken from Instagram.

Honestly, this is a tough one as it spans longer than a month, and as my last few moments were treasured I did a lot of things to make my time count! Lucky for you, there is a prelude to the aforementioned creepy men on Tower Bridge incident. At 2am on that Saturday I got a knock on my door and behind it a very panicked housemate. There was a fire right outside our house in the building next door which resulted in us calling the fire brigade, setting off our fire alarm, being evacuated and standing on one of London’s main roads in our pyjamas, cradling crying babies. After around 20 minutes we were given the all clear but the building next door still had their fire alarm going. Turns out that, like the oven glove incident, I am pretty calm in a crisis and only got my adrenaline rush once I got back into bed an hour later, and could not for the life of me get to sleep. My room also smelt like smoke as I had opened my window to check the fire and as the nearest window to the patch, the smoke wafted in a great quantity into my room. The smell was choking me so I moved downstairs to our sofa and as the sun started to rise, decided that it was too good of an opportunity to miss. Along with two other eager housemates, we grabbed our duvets for warmth and watched the sunrise over the Thames on the longest day of the year. It was absolutely stunning and one of the best nights of my entire year. We got back and still couldn’t sleep, so ate breakfast at around five in the morning, watched a bit of telly and nodded off... only to wake up two hours later to head off to queue for West End Live, an annual event taking place in Trafalgar Square which I have gone to nearly every year of late. 

It was scorching and I was ridiculously tired but it was so much fun to watch some amazing performances from talented performers from musicals, many of them in full costume. We left at around three in the afternoon having not eaten anything since our early breakfast apart from some nuts and headed to Ed’s Diner for a burger, chips, onion rings and fresh water! Best. Day. Ever.

The only shot of the Les Mis set where there weren't 436204297 phones in the air.

I also had the priviledge of getting a pretty cheap ticket to see Mis Saigon the Musical (£15, absolute winner). I may have forgotten my glasses (d’oh!) but it was incredible nonetheless, the singing was so powerful. This was accompanied by a journey round Soho taking many a picture. Other Saturdays were spent brunching with housemates where I discovered the beauty of Bill’s, wandering round the Tate Modern and meeting up with some school friends to wander along the Thames in the pouring rain and diving into The Real Greek for some yummy meze, which we made last until the rain finished and we could commence. This evening ended up with us going on a further quest to find cheap theatre tickets by power-walking through the West End to various theatres. It was a blistering walk which was to no avail but I suppose it wore off the effects of the meze!

And, predictably, June (and a bit of July!) was filled with walks in summer evenings and some cracking world cup games, watched in the local pub with some chips. Yum.

3)      Favourite/least favourite part of your work this month?

It is hard to write this because I have struggled a lot with leaving over the last month, with emotions going from “I can’t wait to get out of here, this job is so hard” to “how could I ever leave such an amazing job to go to University, am I mad?”. However, I have had some amazing moments and on a day when I really broke down, so many people were there for me and showed me how grateful they were for the work I have been doing there. There was one particular moment which brings a tear to my eyes when I think about it. I received a hug from a colleague after she spotted me sneaking away for a little cry and I honestly felt such a wave of love from her. It is a difficult emotion to capture, but it changed the face of the rest of my time left. I have also enjoyed the excitement of change that my job is going through. After I leave there are so many new and exciting things to look forward to and it looks like the whole face of the place will change for the better. In a way, that’s also my least favourite part because I am leaving at a really pivotal moment for the business and it is changing in all the ways that I anticipated and longed for when I was struggling, which is frustrating as I can’t reap the benefits! However, that is also extremely humbling as I realise that sometimes you have to leave things behind and move on, even though I have found that process a long and sad one.

This month I have discovered some truly joyous salads in my tastebuds. Wild rice, grape, roasted veg, feta, pomegranate seeds and regular seeds to top it!

I almost forgot this, but I also filmed a section for a documentary this month inspired by the life that I have lead this past year. It is for an independent company and they are getting stories of Christian faith from all around the world from Christians in the 18-30s generation. It was such a load of fun to film in the basement of my work (watching the crew try to stifle their laughter made me feel like I was doing a good job) and there was free pizza, too. I think being an avid Youtube consumer it made me realise how fun it can be to talk to a camera about yourself and about issues that you think matter.

Some of my favourite food on the menu all in the same day - that kind of stuff makes it hard to leave a place. University meals will not be up to this standard (stodgy nightmares, apparently)

4)      Hardest part of your work this month?

Leaving. Oh my goodness. Leaving somewhere you feel like you own, have a huge passion for and want to see succeed is actually heartbreaking, especially when you have thrown yourself into everything for as many days as I was physically able to stand up for that long. I know I have so much more to give to every aspect of that work: to be more skilled, the love more, to relentlessly sacrifice, and I worry that I failed or wasted time. So leaving with twinges of disappointment is hard. Even more than that, however, is leaving the people who you have got to know in community, shared your life with, helped out with benefits or grappled with life’s deepest questions. Wrapping up those relationships, even potentially having to cut them off, is quite painful and complicated.

In honour of Wimbledon I indulged in far too many of these homemade scones with clotted cream and I don't really feel too bad about it.

5)      Would you kindly sum up your working month in three alliterative words/phrases?

Tiring, tearful, triumphant!

6)      Weird habits developed this month?

Don't be ridiculous, I'm far too settled, independent and together emotionally to have these weird habits every month...

7)      What are you missing most about home this month?

Honestly, I’ve been so swept up with leaving that I haven’t been missing home, but dreading going back!

From L-R: Me, Helen, Naomi, Anna, Mair, Emma and Ruth. A lovely bunch.

8)      Best Housemate moment?

To be quite fair, there have been far too many this month because we have been trying to spend all our moments together! Before my departure to Greece, which will be saved for a later blog post, my housemates got together for our final evening. Unfortunately I had felt unwell during the day due to the heat, but that didn’t stop us having an absolutely cracking barbeque, gathering together in our garden in the sun and playing ‘rounders’ with the bread roll leftovers. It was a lovely moment to truly appreciate all that these girls have done for me during the year providing much needed support and friendship and a heck of a lot of laughter. The evening rounded off with a trip to the Shard, but two of us didn’t feel up for it so stayed and chatted for hours until they got back. It reminded me that during the whole year, the best moments outside of work have been the simple ones in this house. We don’t often have times when we are all together (as proven by the fact that we had our last evening a week before I left and two weeks before they even finished!) so when we do, they are truly special.

Pudding included melted marshmallow in Oreos or chocolate in banana on the barbeque. I was not a fan of the latter - who wants a mushy banana when it's not being made into banana bread?

My housemate Ruth preparing for the bread!

9)      Discoveries this month?

How AMAZING wild rice salad is and in general how much I love a good salad, especially if it includes pomegranate seeds (sophistication?); Peach Iced Tea; the wonders of Bethel Music which have uplifted me through some tough nights; my addiction to crunching ice; stretchy baggy trousers (a true game changer in this heat); how much I really am like Miranda Hart’s caricature of herself; the joy of reading books for pleasure; my love of mountains; the glories of a really good burger. 

It's been a rather emotional time. More blog posts with my final snaps of London and reflections to follow up. I have a whole bank of ramblings still to shove on this space of the Internet.

So long for now,

-Antonia